The following is a free excerpt from my upcoming book, Attraction On Demand:
Emotional investment marks the difference between chasing a girl and being chased by a girl.
As powerful as this concept is, it’s a subtle idea that few men understand. But once you learn how to get women to emotionally invest in you, your dating life will completely change – you won’t be picking women up, they’ll be picking you up.
What Is Emotional Investment?
We become emotionally invested in someone when they represent a potential source of value to us.
This investment magnifies when we are uncertain whether we can get that value (I.E. You want to sleep with a girl, but she gives you mixed signals).
We can break down emotional investment down to four main factors:
- Your superficial value (fame, physical appearance, etc.).
- The value of being around you (the emotions you make her feel).
- The sense that you are less invested in her than she is in you.
- The effort she puts in to get value from you (I.E. sex or approval).
(The first two factors are explained in the following articles: https://www.modernseduction.com/everything-you-need-to-know-about-sub-communication-the-secret-language-of-sexual-attraction/ ,https://www.pualingo.com/emotional-value/)
The Sense That You Are Less Invested In Her Than She Is In You
When you’re talking to a girl, there is, of course, physical space between you and her.
Less obviously, there is also emotional space between you and her.
If you were to get too physically close to a girl before she’s comfortable, she would naturally want to retract and get some distance. The same is true if you take up too much of a girl’s emotional space.
You’ve probably met people in your life who take up too much of your emotional space:
- A family member who tells long stories without noticing that you are bored out of your mind.
- A friend who talks for five minutes before letting you get a few words in edgewise, only to then talk for another five minutes straight.
- A homeless person who started talking to you, and even though you politely hinted you didn’t want to talk, they kept going without noticing. The above are all examples of what it looks like when someone takes up too much of your emotional space. These people do not leave you any room to invest in the interaction. This has a repellent effect.
At the same time, you’ve also met people who gave you plenty of emotional space.
Perhaps you have a friend who shows genuine interest whenever you talk to them and they always seem to want to hear more.
This person makes you feel listened to and interesting. They allow you to invest in the interaction. This has a magnetic effect.
A great way to determine whether you are giving women enough emotional space is to pay attention to the ratio of talking to listening. Are you talking 80% of the time? Are you talking about half the time? Do you listen more than you talk?
If you find that you talk significantly more than the women (or people in general) you interact with, that’s a sign you may be taking up too much emotional space.
Of course, don’t judge this by one interaction (some of the women you approach will be shy or reserved), look for the overarching pattern.
(Here’s hidden camera footage of myself taking a girl home, it’s a great example of leaving emotional space for a woman to invest: https://youtu.be/QnE1QJk0eJM)
In reality, seduction isn’t something you do to a girl, it’s more like a dance that gradually escalates in intensity. First, you spark her interest. Then you give her the chance to spark your interest. You’re not picking the girl up, you are both picking each other up.
Yes, she wants to meet a man who is attractive and interesting, but she also wants a man that makes her feel like she is attractive and interesting.
Understand: giving women space to invest in you is a way you can offer value. Sure, you can offer value by being dominant, confident, and sexual.
But you can also offer value by making a girl feel like she has positive qualities. The simplest way to do this is to listen intently to what she says while also asking further questions to understand her beliefs. Simply showing a girl that you’re interested in her opinions can be incredibly charming.
Another helpful tactic is to leave a pause after a girl finishes speaking. Oftentimes, you’ll find that when you thought someone was done talking, they actually had more to say. Simply leaving space for the other person to keep talking will get them to invest more in the interaction.
Furthermore, leaving pauses creates a vacuum effect. When a conversation dies out for a moment, an uncomfortable tension builds.
If you don’t fill in the conversational void, the woman will feel an urge to do so herself. This shifts the dynamic so that she’s the person who is contributing more effort into the conversation, and thus, she is investing. In general, adopt the mindset that you are interested in who the girl is as a person and that you want to learn more about her. Women want to chase you, but they can only do so if you give them emotional space.
The Effort She Puts In To Win You Over
Women are subconsciously aware of the following when interacting with a man:
- What does he want from me?
- What do I want from him?
On one level, she is aware of how much you want to have sex with her and how much she wants to have sex with you.
On another level, she’s aware of how much you want her attention and approval, and much she wants your attention and approval.
The more a girl wants the above from you (attention, approval, sex) and the less she thinks you want those things from her, the more emotionally invested in you she will become.
How do you create this effect?
By not giving away everything you have to offer.
If you create a dynamic in which a girl feels that she needs to win you over, she will start chasing you. Remember, when you’re interacting with a woman you find attractive, there should be an unmistakable sexual charge. But this is most powerful when she is uncertain whether the feeling of desire is mutual, or if she is alone in experiencing it.
If a girl thinks that you might not be interested in her, she will start chasing your approval. Women get hit on all the time, but they rarely meet a man who exudes sexual energy, while also making her wonder whether or not he is attracted to her.
This mixture of hot and cold (nonverbally you are communicating desire, verbally you are communicating disinterest) is frustrating for a woman, it’s like an itch that she can’t scratch.
This makes her try harder and harder to get your sexual approval, and the longer you withhold it, the more she wants it.
For instance, I was at a club recently and approached a girl by saying, “You look like you should be a librarian.” (This line subtly implies that I don’t think she’s physically attractive.)
However, while I was speaking, I looked at her dead in the eyes with an intent that was clearly sexual. She responded by saying, “That’s the best pickup line I’ve ever heard. You’re really charming.”
I replied, “My mom tells me I’m charming too.” (Comparing her to my mom implies I’m not attracted to her). Then, this girl attempted to touch my shoulder, but I backed away and said, “Sorry, we need to leave three feet for the holy ghost.”
She replied, “You’re funny.”
I said, “My mom also tells me that.”
At this point, she leaned in and said, “You shouldn’t bring your mom into this conversation. I want to fuck you later, and being compared to your mom is not exactly a turn-on.” (women will rarely say something this direct, but it does happen on occasion when you push the right buttons.)
When a girl shows interest in us, our default instinct is to reciprocate and to start chasing her.
This makes it so that she cannot keep investing, and if anything, you can come across as needy (why do you get so excited when a girl shows you approval, is this something you’re not used to experiencing?)
Do the opposite, let women wonder whether you’re attracted to them or not.
When a girl who likes you can’t tell whether you’re interested, she will start chasing you by complimenting you, touching you, making strong eye contact with you, and in some cases even making an overt sexual remark.
She knows she’s sexy, but she doesn’t understand why this charming guy doesn’t seem to see her that way. Understand: the most exciting part of seduction is the chase.
This is why pickup is almost exclusively taught to men. As a man, if you want to get laid, you have to approach women and take the lead – sex doesn’t get thrown at you wherever you go.
Because of this, the thought of getting laid is exciting.
Women, on the other hand, get sex constantly shoved in their faces. There’s no challenge in picking guys up, and therefore, there’s no thrill in it.
Fortunately, you can flip this dynamic on its head by being the one guy that doesn’t make himself completely sexually available. Once you do this, the idea of sleeping with you becomes exciting, there’s now a reason to chase you.
This strategy is only effective once a girl has decided you have sexual value. If you walk up to a girl and immediately start implying that you’re not interested in her, it’s unlikely she will care: this isn’t about creating attraction so much as it is about increasing investment once attraction is already there.
Attraction makes sex a possibility, emotional investment makes it practically inevitable.
The most powerful way to show a girl that you may or may not be sexually interested in her isn’t through some technique or gimmick, it’s through having strong boundaries.
Partly, this means being willing to reject a girl based on what she says and does around you (for instance, if a hot girl says shallow, obnoxious things, you should be willing to walk away because you don’t want that kind of person in your life).
But it also means you should react to a girl’s words and actions at face value rather than reacting to them based on how you feel about her.
As an example, let’s say a girl you’re attracted to were to say, “Black guys are so annoying, I really wish they’d stop hitting on me.”
If you were reacting to her based on your emotions towards her, you’d probably agree with her by saying something like, “That must suck.”
Essentially, you are filtering yourself through the lens of, “What can I say to make this girl I’m attracted to approve of me?”
If, on the other hand, you were reacting to this girl’s words at face value, you would likely say something like, “That sounds extremely racist. Why would you say that?”
The second statement would likely offend the girl, but paradoxically it would make her respect you more than the first statement – you’ve just shown her that your approval isn’t given, it is earned (or unearned).
As another example, if a hot girl says she likes Pokemon, and your first thought is, “I didn’t know you were such a nerd,” say that.
When you’re attracted to someone, you may feel an urge to filter out anything that could come across as controversial or ‘mean’. But paradoxically, if you’re willing to express contentious opinions, girls will be more likely to chase you.
If you are only saying what you think a girl wants to hear, you’re giving her the impression that you will approve of her no matter what she says.
Instead, make your approval genuinely conditional. When a woman acts in a way that is not in alignment with your values, tell her so. (At the same time, if a woman does something you respect or admire, tell her so.) Having boundaries means being willing to speak out when someone behaves in a way that opposes your values. Don’t be cruel or get emotional, simply offer an opposing opinion.
Having strong boundaries is difficult because it means potentially alienating people, and while this may happen, it will only truly alienate people who you weren’t compatible with in the first place.
Of course, boundaries can be too rigid. If you feel the need to tell someone they are ignorant because they have different religious beliefs than you, that’s less about boundaries and more about ego.
It’s important that your boundaries are based on genuine values you hold like open-mindedness, self-determination, and positive energy.
For example, if a girl says something very close-minded, “Black guys are annoying,” “Republicans are selfish,” Democrats are idiotic,” I will assert a boundary by challenging that statement – without being cruel about it.
Similarly, if a girl says something negative, (I.E. she says she’s getting bad grades because she doesn’t have enough time to study), I will challenge her statement (I.E, there’s always time to study if you’re willing to sacrifice some of the time you spend on entertainment. I might say, “Watch, let me see your phone.” I’ll then go to her settings and show her how many hours she’s wasting on her phone).
It can help to write down what you value in your interactions with people (men and women alike.) This might include the examples I gave above, but values are subjective, I cannot give you a list of values that you should have, they are based on your own beliefs and experiences.
Once you have a clear idea of what you value, you can write a list of things you will set boundaries for (I.E. negative energy, narcissism, overly simplistic thinking).
Knowing what you want and don’t want in your social interactions will make it much easier to effectively set boundaries.
This will, in turn, allow you to show women that you are not yet another guy who approves of everything she does and says simply because she’s attractive, you are a guy who values his own beliefs more than the approval of some random girl. And if she wants your approval, she must earn it. Therefore, she will be incentivized to chase you, and by extension, to invest in you.
Emotional investment is powerful, to say the least.
Most men operate from a flawed paradigm: they see attraction as something they must create by doing things that will impress a girl. Sadly, the harder you try to impress someone, the needier you will seem.
Adopt a different paradigm. Understand that women want a challenge, they want a guy who doesn’t make himself overly available.
The moment a girl seems to be enjoying your company, let her start investing in the interaction.
Give her the opportunity to fill in any conversational gaps, allow her to do half (if not more) of the talking. Then, deepen her investment by making it clear that you have strong boundaries. Be willing to disagree with her, let her know that you’re willing to walk away.
Once you’ve established this dynamic, she will no longer see herself as the prize that you’re trying to win, she will see you as the prize that she’s trying to win.Follow me on Snapchat to see daily infield footage (approaches, makeouts, pulls) Username: AveryGHayden
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