What do women really want?
It’s the one question all men want a satisfactory answer to.
But there hasn’t been one. Until now.
The truth about what women want is deceptively simple, but also incredibly nuanced.
In this free excerpt from my online course, The Five Pillars of Success With Women you will learn exactly what women want, and how to give it to them.
What Women Want
Women only want one thing: Value.
Value is such a murky concept, but it’s one of the most important things to understand. If you can reliably give women value, they will become addicted to your personality.
So, what does value mean, practically speaking?
Put simply; something has value if it makes your life better in some way.
For instance, if you own an iPhone 7, then an iPhone 11 will have value for you. In contrast, if you already have an iPhone 11, an iPhone 7 will have little value to you.
The same applies to people, you don’t own someone, but a person has value if having them in your life makes it better.
Let’s say you approach two girls in a nightclub. If talking to you makes their night less fun than it was before you approached, then you don’t have value – and they will eventually reject you.
Conversely, if talking to you makes their night better than it was before you approached, they will want to keep you around because you have value.
This may sound overly simple, but understanding what value truly is (and how you can offer it to women) will radically change the way you interact with women.
There are three key types of value you can offer women: logical value, emotional value, and sexual value.
Logical value is what people think they want. So, if a girl thinks she wants a guy who is tall and muscular, but you are short and chubby, you won’t have logical value to her.
Sadly, most guys believe logical value is all that matters, and because they don’t have much logical value, they assume they have nothing to offer women.
Movies, advertisements, and even music are continually telling us that looks, money, and status are what women want.
And although there is a degree of truth to this, it’s only the surface layer (What women really want is the feeling that meeting a guy who has looks, money, and status would give them.)
What is that feeling?
Women want a man who makes them feel certain emotions. That hot girl walking by has an image in her head of the kind of guy that will make her feel positive emotions, and if you match that image, she will make things easier for you.
Now, if you don’t match a girl’s mental image of what she wants, there’s going to be a certain amount of initial friction, she will assume you don’t have value to offer her.
However, if you can make her feel positive emotions, her resistance will soften, and she will become open to your influence.
Once that happens, it no longer matters whether you’re tall and muscular or short and chubby.
By the virtue that you are a man, you have an inherent amount of sexual attractiveness to all women (excluding lesbians, etc.). And as long as the following two things are true, sexual desire will naturally build between you and any woman:
1: The girl isn’t actively resisting you.
2: You are not repressing your own sexual energy.
Think about it this way, if you stranded on a desert island with a woman who you consider to be physically repulsive, what do you think would happen? It might take a few days, but eventually, you would have sex with her because, as a woman, she does have some sexual value to you.
So, your sexual attractiveness is never a 0. But if a woman doesn’t think you’re attractive enough for her (on a logical level), she will resist having sexual feelings for you.
Opening The Door
The first step here is to make a girl open to your influence by offering emotional value. Once being around you feels good, women will let down their guard and stop resisting the inherent desire that exists because you are a man.
This is where most guys get stuck and frustrated. They approach girls, get rejected, and assume it’s because of their looks.
But in reality, if your charisma, charm, and humor were all a 10/10, any girl you approached would have been happy to talk to you. Not every girl would sleep with you, but positive reactions and a desire to keep you around would be the default, not quick rejections.
If girls aren’t giving you positive reactions when you approach, it’s because you’re not charming enough: you are not offering emotional value.
You can blame it on something outside your control like your physical appearance, but if you want to succeed, you must take a hard look at yourself and honestly ask, “Am I offering emotional value and being charismatic, or am I being negative, awkward, and needy?”
You cannot know that women are rejecting you because of your looks until you are so good at offering emotional value that most of your approaches are a positive experience for the women involved.
The harsh truth is this: If you’re getting negative reactions and are unable to get women to open up to you, it’s because you are not offering emotional value.
This begs the question, how do you offer emotional value?
Several emotions are universally appealing: but the one feeling it all boils down to is fun. Is talking to you fun, or not?
If being around you is not fun, the girl will probably want to leave. If it is fun, she’ll want to stay around.
Basically, is it more fun to talk to you, or would it be more fun to go do something else?
So what makes someone fun to talk to?
There are several factors. The most important aspects of being fun include:
- Being carefree.
Enthusiasm comes across in your tonality, but also in your body language and your eye contact. How engaged are you? How much energy are you exuding?
A lot of men have trouble with this because our school system and corporate culture teach us to be logical, emotionally monotone, and subservient.
A passionate spirit doesn’t work in class or in the workplace. Fortunately, enthusiasm is something we’re born with, and through conscious effort, you can get in touch with that side of yourself.
You can practice injecting enthusiasm into your personality. To do this, record yourself talking about your day for two minutes. Then, listen to the recording and notice how much passion there is in your voice.
Are you exuding emotion, or do you sound bored with yourself?
Next, record yourself again, but this time, intentionally speak with as much passion as possible. Exaggerate it to the point of caricature. Listen to this recording.
You may notice that you sound uncomfortable when speaking with exaggerated enthusiasm, but that’s okay, that means you are getting out of your comfort zone, which is necessary for changing your vocal habits.
Do this short exercise regularly, and you will be able to speak with genuine enthusiasm. Remember, we all had passion when we were young, but our culture taught us to become stiff. It isn’t unnatural to reclaim this aspect of your personality; it is, in fact, the opposite.
There is a simple two-step formula for humor: surprise and a victim.
For example, if a girl says, “I have a boyfriend,” and you respond, “He can watch.” She will probably laugh because that reply is unexpected, and in that scenario, her boyfriend is the victim.
The victim can be a third party, however, it can also be you or the girl you’re talking to.
Here are a few examples of what this looks like:
Girl says, “What do you do for a living?”
You reply, “I raise cats.” (She will probably laugh because it’s a surprising answer, and you are the victim of having to raise cats for a living.)
Girl says, “Where are you from?”
You reply, “Zimbabwe.” (Again, she will most likely laugh becuase the answer is surprising, and you are a victim in the sense that you’re saying you’re from an impoverished country.)
Girl says, “You’re really cute.”
You reply, “You’re cute too. Like a Koala bear.” (She’ll probably laugh because the answer is unexpected, and of course, she is the victim: a Koala bear is cute but not in the way a woman wants to be cute.)
Humor is pretty simple if you boil it down to its core elements: surprise and a victim. You don’t have to gifted with a godly wit to make girls laugh, you just need to apply the formula.
To be clear, not everything that has a surprise and a victim is funny. If you tell a girl, “You have a face for radio.” She’s probably not going to laugh.
There’s a fine line between funny and offensive; the difference is that something is offensive when it blatantly attacks someone’s self-image. So calling a girl fat, ugly, or stupid, or even implying those things, probably isn’t going to be funny.
Similarly, if a statement is so surprising that it isn’t believable, it also won’t be funny. When a girl asks where you’re from, if you replied, “I’m from mars.” That wouldn’t be particularly funny because it’s not at all relatable.
So, anything you say that isn’t surprising and has no victim, probably won’t be funny, and anything that’s too surprising or victimizes someone aggressively probably also won’t be funny, but anything in-between those bounds will be.
If you can make girls laugh, they will enjoy your company, and they will want to spend more time with you. That doesn’t by itself mean women will want to have sex with you, but it will open the door to countless opportunities.
Being confident doesn’t necessarily make you fun to be around. However, a lack of confidence will make you less fun to be around.
When someone is nervous, we instinctively want to get away from them.
This creates a conundrum: If you’re nervous and you see a girl you want to approach, shouldn’t you avoid approaching her? After all, your nervousness will make you less attractive.
The answer is no, for two reasons:
- You have two options, approach or don’t approach. Although a nervous approach isn’t as likely to lead to something as a confident approach, a nervous approach is still better than no approach. I’ve seen guys end up in long-term relationships with girls who they approached nervously. Sure, nervousness isn’t ideal, but it’s always better to approach than to wonder what might have happened.
- The act of approaching will make you less nervous. The first approach you do might be nerve-wracking, but the second one will be much easier; the third will be even more comfortable, and by your 4th or 5th approach on a given day, you will feel extremely confident. It might be intimidating to approach when you’re feeling nervous, but the only way to become confident is to do things that make you nervous. (If you want to learn more about how this works, watch the video about social momentum).
Confidence is both a state and a trait. By that, I mean confidence is something you can build over the long-term as a trait, but it’s also a state you can achieve on any given day, even if you’re typically not confident.
So, yes, you will become more confident over the months if you approach a lot of women and take many social risks, but you can also enter a state of confidence today by creating social momentum. (See the Third Pillar, Build Social Momentum for more about this).
When someone takes themselves seriously, it drains the fun out of the room. And guess what, the vast majority of men take themselves very seriously when interacting with women they find attractive.
Because they think it’s a big deal.
These guys think getting laid as a mission they have to accomplish, they see themselves as a knight on a quest to slay a dragon. Guess what, girls don’t want to feel like they’re a dragon you’re trying to slay.
So, what are the differences between someone who is carefree versus someone who takes themselves too seriously?
Someone who’s taking themselves seriously will keep the conversation logical, whereas someone who’s carefree will make the conversation emotional.
For example, if you’re taking yourself seriously, you’ll probably ask a lot of interview-style questions, and you’ll answer the girl’s questions with facts.
In contrast, if you’re carefree, you’ll be free-flowing and creative. You’ll tease the girl, you’ll make fun of yourself, and instead of exchanging information, you will talk about things that you find intriguing.
Basically, your conversation will not be goal-oriented; it will be autotelic which means fun for its own sake.
You can see specific examples of what this looks like in the infield section of this course.
The best way to determine whether you’re carefree is to notice how you feel when a girl challenges you, tests you, or rejects you.
Do you turn her test into a joke? Or do you get affected by the pressure?
For example, if a girl says, “You’re too young for me.”
You could get flustered and try to explain why you’re not too young, or you could exaggerate what she said and make it fun, “Yeah, I’m basically ten. I’m jailbait.”
Alternatively, you could say, “I’m young? You’re old; you could be my grandma. I like that; it’s hot, can I call you grandma? Is that okay?”
Another way to determine whether or not you’re being carefree is to notice how you feel after a girl rejects you.
Do you feel hurt and personally attacked?
Then you weren’t carefree, you had a goal, and when you didn’t reach that goal, you felt hurt. If you are totally carefree, getting rejected will not negatively impact your emotional state.
To be clear, you shouldn’t expect to be 100% carefree. However, if getting rejected significantly impacts your emotions, you’re probably taking yourself too seriously.
To become more carefree, the best thing you can do is to first, approach a lot of women. The more experience you get, the less you will care about whether a particular girl likes you or not. And second, implement the strategies in the mindset section of this course. Changing your mindset will allow you to become increasingly carefree over time because you will start to see rejection through a positive lens.
Conclusion: Offer Value Part 1, Social Value
Those are the five keys to being fun.
If you offer enough social value – enthusiasm, humor, confidence, etc. – then pretty much any girl you approach will enjoy talking to you, she will want you to stick around as long as she is able to.
Does the fact that a girl enjoys your company mean she wants to sleep with you?
Social value and sexual value are two different things. Social value simply means it feels good to be around you. Sexual value means you spark the feeling of desire.
To be clear, there is a lot of overlap between these two. Being funny and confident is sexually attractive, and if you’ve mastered the art of offering social value, many women will be interested in dating you.
However, there’s another layer to it, a deeper, more primal layer to sexual attraction. Once a girl believes you have social value, she will be more open to the possibility that you have sexual value.
In part two of offer value, you will learn how to make women feel actual lust for you by offering sexual value.
The full guide to offering sexual value is available in The Five Pillars of Success with Women, learn more, here.
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1. How to increase your value using the power of scarcity.
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3. A simple psychological trick to prevent women from flaking on you.
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