This is the ultimate guide to talking to girls in a way that is both intriguing and attractive.
So if you want to learn:
- How to make a lasting impression a girl.
- How to never run out of things to say.
- How to keep the conversation interesting (and avoid interview-mode).
- How to avoid platonic interactions (And Create Sexual Tension)
Then this is the article you’ve been looking for.
A great conversation is not about remembering lines or using canned routines, this will feel mechanical and stiff. The best way to become a great conversationalist is to expose yourself to great conversations: watch great interviews, read interesting books, watch standup specials.
What you take in is what you put out. If you spend your time watching mindless youtube videos about video games, you’re not going to be a fascinating conversationalist.
Conversation is something that takes place unconsciously, being funny isn’t something that you can force, it’s something that naturally arises if the right ingredients are in place.
One of those ingredients is being in a comfortable state where you don’t overthink (which you can reach by building social momentum).
The other key ingredient is the quality of ideas and thoughts that go through your head. If you put conscious effort into learning about interesting ideas, your conversations will reflect that. By reading books about topics like philosophy, psychology, and the biographies of successful people, you’ll automatically become a more interesting conversationalist.
As a rule-of-thumb, the more fascinating ideas you expose yourself to, the more fascinating you will become.
The opposite is also true: if you watch vacuous reality TV shows and play video games for several hours a day, you’re not going to have as many interesting things to say.
There aren’t many women who will want to talk to you about World of Warcraft, but most women enjoy talking about psychology, philosophy, spirituality, etc.
Don’t take this to mean you should craft your persona based on consuming things that you think will make you interesting. Instead, pay attention to the quality of the content you take in throughout your days, whether that be video, audio, or in terms of reading.
Ask yourself if the video game you’re playing or the TV show you’re watching is empty entertainment or if it is expanding your mind in some way.
Standup specials, for instance, are a form of entertainment, but there is also a lot you can learn from them in terms of understanding how humor works and about the topics the comedian talks about.
Video games, however, are entertaining, but they rarely will expose you to new ideas that have any relevance to the real world.
If you make an effort to fill your free time by consuming content that is both entertaining and in some way educational, you will have a lot of interesting things to say about a wide variety of topics (I’ve included some recommended books, YouTube channels, etc. below).
How To Talk To Girls:
]Hypothetically, if you put hundreds of hours into it, you could learn scripts and stories and jokes to tell and become so skilled at doing so that you could seduce women with this carefully constructed persona.
However, this would be an exceedingly difficult undertaking and you would know that it’s these lines and made up stories that are attracting women, not your real personality – unless you’re sociopathic, it would feel empty and unfulfilling to use a script for success with women.
I could tell you jokes I’ve made that women liked, lines I’ve said that turned a girl on, and stories that made a strong impression – but they were only attractive because I said those things spontaneously without conscious effort.
Remember, good conversation arises subconsciously, not consciously, and it’s a skill that you will learn through practice. However, it can be helpful to have a framework for what makes an interesting, sexually charged conversation. I can’t tell you exactly what to say, but I can give you guidelines to follow that will help you hit the emotional notes that women find attractive.
The following are three mindsets you can use to make your conversations impactful and seductive.
“Is this emotionally relevant to the other person?”
The most common conversational mistake people make is ignoring what the other person wants. Some people talk as a form of therapy, they complain about the problems in their lives because it gives them relief. This type of conversation quickly becomes draining for the other person, they feel like emotional baggage is being unloaded on them.
It’s important to be aware of whether what you’re saying is emotionally relevant to the other person or if you’re just saying it for yourself. When you solely focus on what you want out of a conversation, the other person feels like they’re being used as a means to an end, and this, of course, is anti-charismatic.
So, ask yourself, “Am I considering what this person wants, what they’re interested in, and how they’re responding, or am I focused on myself and what I want?”
In any interaction there are a number of things both people want, for instance, you may want to feel listened to, you may want the other person to validate that you are interesting, and you may want them to entertain you with their wit. The average person focuses almost entirely on what they want from others, a great conversationalist pays attention to what other people want from them.
Be aware of how people are emotionally responding to you and be considerate of what they want. For example, if someone doesn’t seem interested in what you’re saying, change the topic.
Similarly, you can make a point to inject emotion into your voice and to use pauses and pacing to be more engaging – do this to offer value, because it will give people something they want (good emotions).
Instead of focusing inward (“How can this person make my day better?”) Focus outward (”How can I make their day better?”)
Developing a keen sense of what a woman is feeling and what she wants is a powerful skill in seduction. This awareness isn’t something that comes naturally to most people, it must be consciously cultivated (there is a specific exercise to help you develop this skill towards the end of the chapter).
This isn’t to say you should be selfless – being aware of what other people want from a conversation is pragmatic. When you give someone a positive emotional experience, they will feel an obligation to reciprocate.
If you show interest in another person’s stories and talk about topics that they are passionate about, they will want to return the favor. If you make yourself feel good, that emotion will spread to others. The reverse is also true: if you make someone else feel good, that emotion will spread to you.
“Am I Impacting Her Beliefs?”
There are two fundamental postures you can take in a conversation:
- Seeking to assert your ideas onto others.
- Seeking to understand the ideas of others.
Now, you might think I’m going to suggest that you should always seek to understand rather than to be understood, that you should be polite and gentle in your interactions.
No, to do that would be to neuter the sexual energy in your conversations.
Sexual is polarity is created when one person is asserting and the other is receiving. And because most women will not play the assertive role in a conversation, you must become comfortable with doing this yourself.
What does this look like, exactly?
At it’s best, this means that after you have a conversation with a girl, her understanding of reality will have changed. Basically, you are challenging her perspective and giving her insights that will make some kind of dent in her mindset.
This is easier said than done, but if you can successfully make this kind of impact on a girl, you will be completely unforgettable to her.
You’ve probably had conversations like I’m describing in your own life. Maybe a professor of yours made you realize that you should pursue a different major, maybe a friend helped you understand that you were in a toxic relationship that needed to end, or maybe a chapter in this book changed your perspective on what makes women tick.
You can have that kind of impact in your interactions with women, but it requires that you be willing to take conversational risks. You cannot create this effect while playing it safe, you will have to assert yourself and put your ego in a vulnerable position.
For instance, I once met a girl at a club who told me she was an aspiring actor from L.A. I asked her what an “Aspiring actor” was. She explained that it was her passion, but she wasn’t making a living as an actor yet. I asked her how many auditions she went to in the last year. She said zero. She explained that she wasn’t ready.
I told her that she was avoiding rejection and that she wasn’t going to get anywhere until she learned how to face it.
I asked her what her plan was to start making progress towards her goal.
She explained, but it was rather vague, so I told her that unless she made a specific plan with realistic small goals that she could build on, she wasn’t going to end up making it – I let her know that couldn’t guarantee she would make it if she followed a good plan, but that I could guarantee she would fail if she didn’t follow a good plan.
We talked about what specific steps she could take and came up with a blueprint for her to start making real progress towards her goal. Later that night, we went home together. And afterwards, she made a point to tell me I could stay with her in L.A. any time I wanted.
Now, I don’t know whether she ended up following through on what we discussed and I don’t know if she’ll ever become a successful actor. But the point is that her conversation with me changed her understanding of what she had to do to succeed and live out her dreams.
To create this effect, it is essential that you are aware of what is emotionally relevant to the other person. The conversation from the above example had very little to do with me: it was all about her passions.
You also must be willing to talk about topics that are personal and vulnerable. The best conversations involve topics that have emotional weight: passions, spirituality, relationships, philosophy, ambitions. Everyone is fascinated when they talk about their desires, even more so when talking about why their desires aren’t being met. It’s the frustration, the itch where the most power lies.
There’s an art to being conversationally assertive without being aggressive. If you are too aggressive, you will be perceived as an opponent and your ideas will not be received with an open mind. The key is to balance assertiveness with tenderness. The role you are playing isn’t that of a judge, it is more like that of a therapist. You listen carefully to a person’s problems and respect their perspective. But at the same time, you are willing to give your perspective, even if it might create friction.
(Below is a video example of myself talking to a girl in a way that is assertive, but not overly aggressive).
Striking the right balance will take practice. If you make someone defensive, you are being perceived as too aggressive, if you aren’t having any emotional impact, then you are playing it safe (not being assertive enough).
Overall this is an advanced strategy. You do not have to master this to get dates with beautiful women. Think of this as icing on the cake. If you can expand a girl’s understanding of her reality in some way, this will spark in her a powerful desire to see you again.
However, you are playing with fire. If you do this with an insecure girl, it is very likely she will become emotionally attached to you. Being able to influence people is exciting, but there are consequences.
“Am I creating tension?”
Too much tension creates stress.
Too little tension creates boredom.
Your conversations with women should create a sense of challenge, that is what will make her excited and engaged. But at the same time, you should not be so challenging that women become uncomfortable.
The majority of men don’t create enough tension – they have friendly conversations with no emotional weight that feel more like a business interaction than a sexual interaction.
Some men – especially those who’ve learned about game – create too much tension, they do everything in their power to ‘spike a girl’s emotions’, but this creates animosity rather than attraction.
Make a point to be aware of how much tension you’re creating in your interactions with women.
- Are you unengaging and overly safe?
- Are you creating so much tension that women feel uncomfortable around you?
We have an instinctual ability to read body language encoded into our DNA, but we tend to focus so much on ourselves that we lose touch with that skill.
You can tap into your ability to read people simply by asking yourself something like, “What is she feeling right now? Is she bored? Is she uncomfortable?”
When you do this, you’ll get a sense of what the other person is feeling.
And if you make a habit of paying attention to the nonverbal cues other people give you, you will be able to effortlessly adapt: when someone is bored, you’ll be able to re-engage them by changing the topic or saying something emotionally relevant to the other person.
Similarly, when someone is uncomfortable, you’ll be able to calibrate by showing empathy, “I know it’s random to approach a stranger like this, I just thought you looked interesting and I had to meet you.”
Creating tension is a skill that comes with practice, but the first step is to start paying attention to the amount of tension you are currently creating. As you start to notice the patterns that are playing you, you’ll be able to start making adjustments.
If you generally create too much tension, the best strategy is to focus on letting other people invest more.
If you don’t create enough tension, it will help to focus on holding stronger eye contact, being dominant and challenging, and to speak with more passion and emotion. Beyond that, you can also make sure that you avoid interview-mode conversation.
Interview mode is a safe, boring type of conversation that lacks any tension. We fall into this mode because tension can be uncomfortable and anxiety-provoking: we know that if we create tension a girl might reject us.
So, we protect ourselves by having a conversation with no emotional charge. And although this does prevent us from getting a harsh rejection, it also makes it exceedingly unlikely that a girl experience desire.
There are two dimensions to a conversation that make it fall into interview mode: the topic, and the intensity.
Topics Of Conversation
Topics like spirituality, personal passions, the struggles you’re facing in life tend to be more emotionally engaging than the standard set of basic informational questions two strangers usually ask.
Now, this isn’t to say you shouldn’t ask a girl questions like, “What your major?” Or, “What do you do for fun?”
Basic questions can be useful as a launchpad – a conversation that starts with a girl talking about why she chose to be a business major could lead to a fascinating talk about how the most successful businesses cater to our worst desires and addictive natures (McDonald’s, Instagram). Similarly, a conversation about a girl’s decision to be a psychology major could lead to her talking about her weird personality quirks and self-destructive tendencies.
It’s good to have a few basic questions in the back of your mind that you can ask anyone, but it is important that you learn how to delve deeper into something emotionally intriguing rather than getting stuck on the surface.
Here are a few examples of questions that are useful to have in your back pocket:
- “What do you do for a living?”
- “What do you do for fun?”
- “Are you from here?”
- “What are you passionate about?”
That said, some topics are better than others. The less emotionally invested a girl is in a topic, the less excited she will be to talk about it.
For instance, talking about a woman’s choice in career can be exciting if done well, but talking about video games will only be intriguing to a small percentage of women. Your overarching goal in a conversation is to gradually make it more emotionally charged, to talk about things that elicit strong emotions in her.
One way to do this is to look for shared interests. If you tell a girl you like Game of Thrones, and she says she hasn’t seen it, you can ask her what her favorites shows are, and then from that list, there’s a show you also like, you can talk about that specific show.
Let’s say, you and a girl both happen to like Sherlock with Benedict Cumber-batch. At first, you might talk about how clever it is, but then you could add some tension by asking her if she thinks Benedict Cumberbatch is hot. If she says she is, you could say, “So you’re a sapiophile?”
She’ll probably ask, “What’s a sapiophile?”
You could respond, “A person who finds intelligence sexually attractive. Benedict Cumberbatch isn’t particularly good looking, but he’s a genius in a show. Do you think that’s why you find him attractive?’
She may say yes, she may say no, either way, you can take this conversational thread into a lot of interesting directions.
You might talk about how you think men are secretly really attracted to intelligence, and that although they seem very shallow on the surface, secretly they just want someone they can have a good conversation with, someone who can make them think.
Alternatively, you could do the opposite and tell the girl, “You actually seem really smart. If I were a sapiophile, I’d probably be really into you. Anyway…”
Expect your conversations to start with basic enough topics, things that are not inherently interesting, but have the potential to turn into something with a lot of positive tension.
Now, this may take some time. If you ask a girl what she does for a living and it turns out to be something you know nothing about, you may struggle to take that topic anywhere interesting. That’s okay, ask another question, change the topic, until you find something that is interesting to both the girl and to you – something you can both talk about without getting stuck on the surface level.
With any topic, you want to bring it in a direction that is both personal and emotional. To make something personal, you either give an example of your experience with something, or you can show interest in her experience with it.
To make the conversation emotional, you move towards topics that are slightly taboo, things like sex (I.E. talking about what it means to be sapiosexual), spirituality (you could bring up yoga, meditation, astrology, etc.), her frustrations (I.E. “So if you’re a sapiosexual, it must suck how dumb most guys are.” Or, “So, you’re a writing major, do you think you’ll make a living as a published author?”) her positive experiences (I.E. “What do you like about this city?”).
The second aspect that gives a conversation tension is the intensity. By intensity I mean the strength of the opinions you’re expressing – being willing to say things that may be offensive.
If a girl says she’s from California, a low-intensity response would be to say, “Oh that’s cool, I’ve heard the weather’s great there.” In contrast, a high-intensity response would be to say, “Oh, are you one of those pot-smoking liberal hippies I hear so much about?” (In a sarcastic tone).
Basically, the stronger the opinions expressed, the more intensity your conversation will have. Here are a few examples of low intensity versus high-intensity conversation:
“You’re a psychology major? That’s interesting.”
“You’re a psychology major? I heard everyone who studies psychology is secretly crazy.”
“You like to watch Netflix? What’s your favorite show?”
“You like to watch Netflix? Let me guess, The Vampire Diaries is your favorite show?”
“I’ve honestly wasted so much time on Netflix that I deleted my account. I feel like it takes away more from my life than it gives.”
“Oh, you’re into poetry? I haven’t read much to be honest, who’s your favorite poet?”
“You’re into poetry? Well, if you end up writing a poem about me, just make sure it doesn’t suck.”
“You’re into poetry? 90% of poetry sucks. But the 10% that doesn’t is life-changing. Who do you like?”
“You’re into poetry? That’s… interesting.”
You can create intensity by framing what a girl says as implying something controversial about her (if she likes to read, she must be a fan of “50 Shades of Grey”.) This is powerful because it’s a playful type of teasing, if everything you say is agreeable and positive, there is no doubt that you like her, but if there is a mixture of positive statements and seemingly negative statements there is some mystery.
It is also possible to create intensity with positive statements, but it’s less effective in general.
First, positive statements can make a girl wonder whether you’re trying to charm her to get something from her. Second, positive statements can actually decrease the tension because they make your intentions and opinion of the girl obvious, she doesn’t have to wonder whether you’re interested in her.
You can’t always expect to come up with some kind of clever remark off the top of your head. Intensity doesn’t have to be creative, you can simply disagree with a girl.
For instance, if a woman says, “I’m from Texas.” You could simply say, “I hate Texas.” The emotion, hate, is strong and will create an impact. Now, the delivery is key here. If it sounds like you really hate Texas, she may be put off.
But if you say it in a tonality that sounds halfway serious, but it’s hard to tell for sure, then she will most likely laugh or at least become reactive and get curious, (I.E. “What? Why do you hate Texas?”
The only way to learn how to deliver challenging lines like the above is through practice. You’ll know how well you’re doing based on the reactions you get. Fortunately, even if you say, “I hate Texas.” With a bad tonality, it’s unlikely the girl will get particularly upset. And if she does, you can say you were just kidding.
Even if you can’t think of witty lines, you can simply say you hate whatever a girl says. This can be applied to practically anything she says.
Of course, you shouldn’t constantly tease a girl or say you hate everything she says. This is the icing, not the cake.
Being playfully disagreeable is counterintuitively charming. Women want there to be a challenge. In terms of sex, their world is completely different from yours. As a guy, sex isn’t guaranteed, it isn’t something you can easily get whenever you want. But a girl knows she can get pretty much any guy she wants to sleep with her. She could literally just walk up to a guy and say, “Hey, would you like to have sex?” And about half of guys would say yes.
Talking with a high level of intensity creates a challenge. Now, her ego is involved – she’s being vulnerable, she’s experiencing strong emotions, and she’s not sure whether or not you like her. This makes the possibility of being seduced exciting, the fact that it isn’t guaranteed gives her a reason to put in effort and to start chasing you.
To be clear, this isn’t something you have to master to get dates with beautiful women. Being a great conversationalist is an asset, but oftentimes a relatively boring, surface-level conversation can still be engaging and sexually charged so long as your nonverbal communication is strong.
Positive Tension Versus Negative Tension
Tension is a powerful emotion, it’s what makes a social interaction exciting. Now, you probably don’t want every conversation you have with someone to have a lot of tension (talking with your boss for example), but it will be useful to become aware of this dynamic and to learn to play with it.
Tension is the degree of an emotional effect you’re having on someone. It isn’t necessarily a positive effect (although it can be), it is simply about how strong the emotions you’re creating are. In many cases, some negative tension is better than no tension whatsoever (a girl who is frustrated with you is more likely to fuck you than a girl who is bored), however, as a general rule, you should strive to create positive tension.
Positive tension is created when you offer value, negative tension is created when you represent a threat. Both positive and negative tension can make a girl nervous around you, and some of the signs are the same: she’ll touch her hair or her face, she might not be able to hold eye contact, she’ll look a bit tense.
The difference between the two is the reason behind the behaviors, negative tension makes her look away because she doesn’t want to be around you, positive tension makes her look away because she feels insecure. The best way to tell the difference is to proactively release the tension you’ve created. You can do this simply by letting silence hang in the conversation, by teasing the girl, or by withdrawing attention (looking away, taking a step away from her).
If the tension is negative, the girl will either make an excuse to leave or at least she won’t make an effort to engage you much.
If the tension is positive, the girl will want to keep the conversation going, usually by asking you questions.
Basically, she’ll start chasing you if the tension was positive, she’ll pull away if it was negative.
If you find that you’re mostly creating negative tension, it’s a sign that you are projecting negative emotions, or that you are trying too hard to get a reaction from her.
Teasing a girl can definitely get a positive reaction, but if you’re saying the tease to make her react to you, it will feel forced and this will make her uncomfortable.
Anything you do will be far more attractive if you do it spontaneously.
Learning pickup techniques can be helpful, but don’t try to force them into your interactions, trust that you subconsciously think of a good tease when it’s appropriate.
Let the tease happen, don’t force it to happen.
While you’re interacting with a girl, you shouldn’t think about how you can get her to react to you, the only time you should analyze what you should be doing differently is at home while writing a field report or before you go out you can think about what you want to focus on. If you put in conscious effort into teasing a girl or creating tension during an interaction, it will come across as mechanical.
Tension is an important dynamic in all social interactions. Yet, most people are completely unaware of it
Exercise: Audit Yourself
It can be helpful to be an audit of your own conversations to become aware of what you’re doing well and what you can improve on.
To do this, simply record the audio of an interaction you have with people: it could be your friends, it could be a girl you approach, either way when you record yourself interacting with people and listen to it afterwards. This exercise will give you valuable insights.
Truth is, we all pick up bad social habits throughout our upbringing. Some people have a robotic tone of voice, others are bad listeners, etc. It’s easy to notice such habits in other people, but it’s incredibly difficult to notice them in ourselves. But if you listen to the way you interact with people after the fact, from a third-person perspective, you will hear yourself the way other people hear you.
I understand this is a rather nerdy exercise, but it is a powerful tool regardless.
Besides, you can record the audio of your social interactions without any risk of being caught. Any smartphone has a recording app you can use for this, all you have to do is keep the phone outside your pocket and the audio quality will be perfectly fine. (If you want to record audio in a loud environment like a club, you’ll need to use headphones with a speaker to get decent quality).
Listening to yourself interact with other people will likely feel uncomfortable – you’ll notice your own worst habits and behaviors. This is a good thing.
You can even take this a step further by rating yourself on a scale of 1 to 10 on the 3 conversational mindsets you learned in this chapter.
I’ve found this to be a powerful technique because it sets a baseline that you can improve – if you rate yourself as a 5/10 in something, you’re going to feel a strong motivation to change that. Being aware of what you’re doing wrong is often the key to making a real change.
It’s also important to do this more than once. The second or third time you do this exercise, you should notice improvements which will further increase your motivation to commit to this process.
Change isn’t easy – there’s a reason, “people never change,” is a colloquialism.
Most people don’t change.
Fortunately, change is possible, but only if you’re willing to put yourself in uncomfortable situations and set your ego aside in the name of personal growth.
Listening to audio of yourself talking to friends is going to be awkward (doubly so if you listen to audio of yourself talking to women). Don’t think of that awkwardness as a bad thing, it’s a sign that there is something to gain.
Of course, I’m not suggesting you do this every day, it should be an occasional exercise. You could do this once a week for a month, and afterward once a month until you’re satisfied with your progress. We all have bad conversational habits that have become so natural to us, that we think they’re an inherent part of us. However, you can break those habits and replace them with behaviors that will make you more charming and charismatic so long as you are honest with yourself and your desire to improve is stronger than your desire to protect your current self-image.
You can find more free content by me, here:
Recommended Books, Podcasts, YouTube channels, and TV Shows:
Predictably Irrational, Dan Ariely
A Brief History of Thought, Luc Ferry
The Power of Habit, Charles Duhigg
The Upside of Stress, Kelly McGonigal
Man’s Search For Meaning, Viktor Frankl
Ego Is The Enemy/The Obstacle Is The Way, Ryan Holiday
The 48 Laws of Power/Mastery/50th Law/The Laws of Human Nature, Robert Greene
The Denial of Death, Ernest Becker
The Joe Rogan Experience
The Tim Ferris Show
Under The Skin With Russel Brand
Teal Swan (Personally, I disagree with almost everything she says, but the topics she discusses are interesting to think about.)
Any comedy special
Cosmos: A Spacetime Odyssey
Follow me on Snapchat to see daily infield footage (approaches, makeouts, pulls) Username: AveryGHayden
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