How To Get Girls By Improving Your Lifestyle
This post is a free excerpt from my upcoming book, Attraction On Demand:
The degree to which your mood affects the way people respond to you is uncanny. I can’t count the number of times I’ve gone out to meet women in a bad mood only to get rejected by almost every girl I approached.
Yet, when I’m in a good mood, nearly every woman I approach treats me like a king.
Emotions are contagious. Whether you feel anxious, angry, or happy – that emotion will spread to the people around you.
In this article, you will learn a step-by-step system for feeling great in your own skin. By implementing the strategies below, your personality will become magnetically attractive to women.
So much advice focuses on what to do to attract women, but girls don’t care much about what you say or what pickup techniques you use, they care about who you are and how they feel around you. And that’s why you’re about to learn how to become someone who attracts women naturally, through the energy he projects. 11 Of course, you should never use your mood as an excuse not to approach women. Although you will get better results when you’re in a good state, you will get absolutely no results if you only approach women when you feel like it (see article, Comfort Is The Enemy) Fortunately, even if you’re in a shitty mood, you can quickly snap out of it and enter a positive state by using the strategy in this article, The Social Momentum Manifesto.
Personal Values and Self-Esteem
More than anything else, it is the degree to which you are living in alignment with your values that will determine how good you feel in your own skin.
Imagine, for instance, that you care about your physical health, but you regularly eat fast food and sit on the couch 8 hours a day watching TV. In this situation, the tension between who you are and who you want to be is going to make it difficult to feel good about yourself.
To be clear, watching TV in your free time isn’t inherently bad for your happiness, but when the time you spend watching Netflix is preventing you from being the person you want to be, then yes, re-watching How I Met Your Mother for the 7th time is going to affect your internal state.
“Learning how to get girls is less about the techniques you use and more about the person you become.”
Every action we take is either bringing us towards our values or away from them, and this, in turn, is either making us feel better about ourselves, or worse.
So, what are values, exactly?
Values are are like an internal compass for who you want to be, and the degree to which you live in accordance to them influences your self-esteem.
If we believe we’re living totally in sync with our values, we feel great about ourselves. Conversely, if our daily actions conflict with our values, we experience a range of negative emotions from frustration, to stress, to apathy.
By making a concerted effort to determine what your values are and to live in accordance with them, you will naturally become more attractive to women. Your positive self-belief will be reflected in the way you carry yourself: your body language, vocal tonality, and eye contact will radiate positive energy.
The first key to living in alignment with your values is to become consciously aware of what your values are. Although we all have values, it’s not something many of us think about: getting clarity about your values is the first step towards embodying them. Some examples of key values for many people include:
- Freedom: The sense that you are making the decisions you want to make in life as opposed to being forced to make the decisions others want you to make.
- Impact: Having a positive influence on others. This can mean anything from making someone laugh to creating a business that changes the lives of millions.
- Friendship: Feeling connected to people who you have fun experiences with.
- Physical health: Eating healthy foods, exercising regularly, getting good sleep, spending time outdoors, etc. This value is about treating your body with respect.
- Wealth: On one level this can mean being financially free so that you aren’t constantly stressed about money. On another level it can mean being wealthy enough that you can support others to improve their lives. Of course, this value can also be about being able to afford a lavish lifestyle with exotic cars and 5-star meals.
- Adventure: Having novel experiences. This could mean traveling to new cities, hiking, or going to festivals and events. Adventure can also be found in meeting new people or taking risks (I.E. performing stand-up on an open mic night).
- Relaxation: Giving yourself the opportunity to do things purely to blow off steam and enjoy yourself. This could mean playing video games, watching TV or movies, meditating, hanging out with friends, or anything that is revitalizing for you.
- Spiritual growth: Connecting with a greater purpose, this could be religious or philosophical. This might mean reading spiritual books, meditating, getting involved in a community, or finding mentors.
Some values are fairly universal. For instance, most people care about physical health, wealth, friendships, relaxation, and having an impact.
However, the degree of importance for these values will be drastically different from one person to the next. This variance is partly due to your beliefs, culture, etc., and it’s partly a result of the degree to which a particular value is being fulfilled in your life. If you’re financially comfortable, wealth probably won’t be a value in need of urgent attention. But if you’re living paycheck to paycheck, making more money could drastically change the quality of your life.
Similarly, if you’re making six figures, but you haven’t had sex in 3 years, going out and meeting women is going to have a much bigger impact on your well-being than doubling your income would. When any of your key values is being neglected, it can become a bottleneck for the quality of your life.
By determining what your core values are and what you can do to live in alignment with them, you will have a clear idea of what actions you should take (and avoid) to feel good in your own skin.
The first step is to identify what your core values are and what they mean to you, then you can create a strategy for living in alignment with those values.
Here’s an example of what this might look like (taken from my journal):
I want my life to have a positive impact on those around me.
On a micro level I want to do nice things for my friends and family (like buying gifts, giving compliments, or doing unexpected favors). I want to connect with the people I care about on an emotional level by having great conversations with them. I also want to show these people that I care by going out of my way to make plans (like hiking or seeing a concert).
Furthermore, I can offer value through who I am: by being positive, passionate, and successful I can bring others up. By being vivacious I will spread that energy to others. This is something I can consciously cultivate.
On a macro level, I want to offer value to the world at large by writing the best self-improvement books ever written and by being a world-class coach who truly transforms the lives of those he teaches: not only in terms of getting them laid but in terms of helping them develop their self-esteem and ability to live in alignment with their core values.
So, you can become consciously aware of what your values are and what they mean to you by creating a journal entry (like the above) for each of your core values (don’t expect it to be perfect, you can use the above examples for inspiration. Just write whatever comes to mind, you can reiterate this later).
Next, you can specify habits and goals that will help you live in alignment with the values you identified.
Here’s a few examples of what setting goals based on your values might look like:
- Reach 10% body fat.
- Bench press 260 lbs for five reps.
- Run a marathon.
- Reach 15% body fat.
- Bench press 200 lbs for five reps.
- Run 2 miles without taking any breaks.
- Run for at least 5 minutes per day.
- Lift weights at least three times a week for five minutes.
- Count my calories.
- Get to 5,000 YouTube subscribers.
- Publish a video course that earns at least $5000.
- Reach 1,000 YouTube subscribers.
- Have the outline for my video course completed.
- Spend at least 5 minutes each day working on my video course.
- Spend at least 5 minutes each day working on a Youtube video.
- Travel to two countries I haven’t been to before.
- Go on at least 25 hikes.
- Meet 1000 new people.
- Plan my first trip to another country (and buy my plane ticket).
- Go on at least 6 hikes.
- Meet 200 new people.
- Go on a hike at least once every other week.
- Meet a new person every day.
- Spend five minutes per day researching my trip to a new country.
By creating long-term and short-term goals, and grounding those goals with daily habits you want to cultivate, you ensure that you will make sustainable progress towards your goals (even on days when you’re not feeling motivated).
To be clear, the goal itself is arbitrary, it serves you by giving you a clear vision of something you want to accomplish: the power of goals is not in achieving them, it’s that they pull you in the direction you want to go.
Goals Versus Habits
Long-term goals are useful, but they can be easy to neglect unless you also define daily (and/or weekly) habits that will help you achieve them. For example, if you want to start an online business, you might create a habit of working on a Youtube video for at least 5 minutes per day. Or, if you want to lose weight, you might create a habit to track your calories every day on an app like Fitbit or MyFitnessPal.
Those might sound like small habits, but the hardest part of changing your behavior is starting. If you set a goal to go to the gym for an hour every day or to read business books for 2 hours a day, there’s going to be a lot of resistance to starting that behavior. Conversely, when you know you’re only expected to go to the gym for five minutes, or you only have to read 2 pages of a book, starting your habit will be relatively easy.
Our emotions have a bigger influence over our behavior than most of us would care to admit. It’s important to make changes that don’t throw you off your emotional equilibrium too much. At the same time, you must accept that building any new habit will involve facing some discomfort. Find the right balance between getting out of your comfort zone while also taking care to avoid taking on so much stress that your new habit becomes unsustainable.
Pay particular attention to how you feel before and after you do an activity – do you feel stressed about the idea of starting? Do you feel drained afterwards? These are signs that you may want to take a step back and make your habit easier to adopt by reducing the size of your commitment (I.E. instead of going to the gym for an hour, change it to 15 minutes. Instead of expecting yourself to approach 5 women a day, reduce it to 1.)
It’s important that you don’t limit yourself with your habits (for example, once you’ve meditated for two minutes, if you want to do more, then do so). This is key because it allows you to make a shift from meditating because you have to, to meditating because you want to.
When you start doing something because you enjoy it, it will be easy to make that behavior into an automatic habit and to build on it over time. If, however, you’re always struggling to do something and relying on your willpower, then it will never become an automatic habit: it will always be something that you force yourself to do.
Willpower is a tool that can get you to take action when you otherwise wouldn’t, but it’s a limited tool that is unsustainable in the long-term: trying to use it to do something new for an hour or more at a time is extremely draining. Trust that by engaging in a particular activity repeatedly, you will eventually start to enjoy it. At that point, you’ll want to push yourself further without needing to rely on willpower.
The Power of Values
Creating habits and goals based on your values helps remind you why you’re investing your time and energy in a particular behavior: the stronger your sense of purpose behind what you do, the more motivated you will be to keep doing it in the long-term.
Furthermore, awareness of your values will broaden your perspective. Until you make a conscious effort to acknowledge that relaxation is important to you, it’s easy to feel that all relaxation is a waste of time.
I’ve noticed that when I create goals without thinking about the values I want to strive towards, my thinking becomes very one-dimensional: I start to focus on the one thing that I’m struggling with the most while neglecting everything else.
Of course, there isn’t just one important area in our life – there are many. If you spend a year dieting and lifting weights, you can get into great shape, but if during that time you neglect your social life and your business aspirations, those areas will atrophy.
Recently, I spent a year focusing nearly all my attention on my online business, and although I made great progress in that area, I ended up gaining over 40 lbs because I neglected my physical health.
Sure, one area of your life may be a priority that you want to put the most effort into, but that doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to only set goals and create habits for that one area. Dating may not be your first priority. It’s okay if you don’t want to spend 10 hours a week approaching women. However, if over the next year, you don’t meet any new women, your dating life is only going to get worse (just like my physical health did).
The most common self-improvement mistake I see people make (myself included) is focusing on one goal and ignoring everything else. Yes, you should prioritize, but all your values matter, and they will always matter.
When your physical health isn’t a priority, you don’t need to work out every day, but it would still be a good idea to go the gym twice a week and count your calories. When spiritual growth isn’t a priority, you might not go to live in an Ashram, but you can still meditate for at least five minutes a day.
There’s an important difference between putting a small amount of effort into an area of your life and putting in no effort into an area of your life. Just counting your calories and going to the gym a couple times a week will help you make progress towards your long-term fitness goals. Whereas if you don’t workout at all, you’ll likely start gaining weight.
Furthermore, when you decide it is time to focus on your fitness or your spiritual growth, doing so will be much easier if you have already established small habits for those areas of your life.
Don’t take this to mean you should start 10 new habits all at once. It’s important to strike a balance between fixating on only one area of your life (and therefore letting everything else slide) and trying to change everything at once. If you only put effort into one goal at a time, the areas you neglect will gradually get worse. Conversely, if you try to take on too much at once, the habits you’re building won’t be sustainable.
I recommend taking on 3-5 new (small) daily habits, at most. Decide which of your values are the highest priority right now and create habits that will help you live in alignment with them. Once you feel that this set of new habits is a regular part of your life that no longer requires conscious effort, then you can add a new one.
Tracking Your Progress
It can be helpful to track your progress with a Google Spreadsheet or an application like Todoist or Trello. By putting your habits into an app (and ideally, setting daily reminders on the app), you will gain greater awareness of the progress you’re making. And, equally importantly, you will be unable to forget what your habits and goals are.
The more aware you are of your values, the more likely you will be to make an effort to live in alignment with them. Because of this, you might find it useful to make a daily habit of re-reading the description of your core values that you wrote.
Furthermore, you can create a daily journal in which you list out your values (and your corresponding goals) and analyze what you did well and what you can improve on.
Template for daily journal:
I’ve found that one of the most common reasons we fail to live in accordance with our values is a lack of awareness; making a conscious effort to think about what your values and goals are on a daily basis can help combat this tendency.
Living In Alignment
When we feel that we are reacting to our impulses instead of consciously creating the life we want, we become distressed, frustrated, and apathetic.
By taking some time to establish what your values are and what you can do to live in alignment with those values, you’re giving yourself a road map for increasing your self-esteem and overall satisfaction with your life.
As your day-to-day actions become increasingly matched to your values, your self-esteem will increase, your energy will become more positive, and the way people see you will completely change.
This all happens in subtle ways, your nonverbal communication reflects how you feel about yourself. If you feel like you are meandering through life, or that you are a victim, or that you are not the person you want to be, these self-beliefs will leak out into your body language, voice, etc. The opposite is also true, when you feel that you are moving forward in your life and improving each day, the way you carry yourself will become substantially more attractive.
Positive energy is magnetic. By cultivate positivity within yourself, people will experience an emotional pull towards your presence.
Being positive won’t necessarily make women sexually attracted to you by itself, but it will open doors: women will listen to you more carefully, they will hold stronger eye contact with you, and they will want to spend more time with you.
Negativity, on the other hand, will close doors. I’ve experienced many situations where a beautiful woman was clearly attracted to me, but I killed that spark with my own negative thoughts and assumptions.
The interactions we have with others are largely a reflection of our own internal thoughts and feelings. I used to live in a world in which I believed people were constantly judging me as inadequate. I was so worried about being judged that I came across as nervous and insecure. People could sense my insecurity, so they actually did feel uncomfortable around me, which (in my mind) proved that my negative assumptions about others were true.
Yet, today, I see the world as a friendly place, and I generally assume people are positive and trustworthy. As a result, the way people treat me has also transformed. I feel better about myself and other people feel better about me.
To be clear, you can get laid without living in accordance with your values, or even if you’re living in accordance with shitty values (let’s say you value doing drugs and getting drunk and you genuinely don’t give a shit about making the world a better place).
“Life game” isn’t a prerequisite for attracting women, but it does help. And the more you’re living in alignment with your values, the more you will resonate (I.E. have chemistry with) women who are living in alignment with similar values.
If you’re watching TV all day and working a meaningless job, you will naturally be more attractive to women who are following a similar path. If, however, you’re taking care of your health, reading interesting books, and pursuing your passions, you will naturally attract women who are doing the same. Living in alignment with your values isn’t particularly important for attracting physically beautiful women, but it is important for attracting women who you respect and admire.
Follow me on Snapchat to see daily infield footage (approaches, makeouts, pulls) Username: AveryGHayden
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