When you approach a girl, she’s going quickly determine whether you’re a source of value or a threat. If she sees you as a threat (because you’re too pushy, nervous, needy, etc.) she’s going to become uncomfortable, and more likely than not, she’s going to have to “use the bathroom” or “go find her friends.”
If a girl sees you as a source of value, however, she’ll be enthusiastic to get to know you.
The social hook point is best defined as the point when a girl decides that she wants you stay more than she wants you to leave: she sees you as a source of value, not a threat.
Reaching the social hook with a girl point necessarily mean she’s sexually attracted to you, it simply means she likes talking to you.
If your ‘game’ is good enough, you can reach the social hook point with nearly any girl you approach.
A lot of guys have trouble getting women to talk to them for more than a couple minutes. If this is happening to you, it might seem like you’re just not good looking enough, but reaching the social hook point is mostly about projecting positive energy.
Being good looking does make women more likely to assume you have high value at first.
However, if you can make a woman feel positive emotions when she’s interacting with you, you’ll reach the social hook point regardless of your appearance.
Similarly, if you’re good looking, but your personality makes a girl feel negative emotions, she’ll quickly lose interest in talking to you.
In this chapter, you’re going to learn how to cultivate the positive vibe that will make women (and people in general) enjoy interacting with you.
When a woman is approached by a man, what’s her number one fear?
That you are going to be needy and desperate. Women regularly get approached by guys who make them feel uncomfortable.)
(In the below video, guy is coming across as needy, that’s why the second girl rejects him so harshly.)
So, when you approach a girl, a part of her is going to assume that you’re another lame guy that’s going to be pushy or passive aggressive.
There are two common behaviors that instantly turn women off:
- Aggressive Neediness (narcissism)
- Passive Neediness (approval seeking)
Being assertive is an attractive quality. But aggressiveness is not. What’s the difference?
Aggressiveness is forceful. When a man is being aggressive with a woman, he is not respecting what the woman wants. He pushes forward whether or not she likes it. If you’re aggressive with a girl who wants you to escalate, then it’s fine to do so: you both want the same thing.
However aggressiveness often backfires. Being aggressive with the wrong girl will make her uncomfortable and get you rejected.
The key difference between assertiveness and aggressiveness is calibration. When you’re assertive, you don’t hesitate to lead an interaction towards sex, but if you notice the girl is uncomfortable, you respect her boundaries and take a step back.
Aggressiveness and assertiveness are the same, except that aggressiveness lacks empathy, it is narcissistic in nature.
This is an incredibly important nuance to understand because it’s the source of much of the frustration men experience when it comes to dating and sex. Men are taught that women want a man who takes charge and goes for what he wants – and that’s true.
But men also learn that if they take charge, they might make a girl uncomfortable (or even end up being publicly shamed). Men are taught to go for what they want, but also to feel a sense of fear and shame about going for what they want.
These points are seemingly contradictory on the surface. But when you look a little deeper, it starts to make sense.
Women want a man who is sexually assertive, but who is ALSO sexually empathetic. They want to know a man is capable of sweeping her off her feet and ravishing her, but they also want to know he respects the word “no” and cares about what she’s feeling.
Being assertive is a good thing, you should strive to develop this quality. There’s nothing wrong with leaning in to kiss a girl or inviting her back to your place – and if you like a girl, you should be doing these things.
However, when you lean in for a kiss and the girl leans back a bit, you should take a step back as well. You don’t need to be apologetic, just make sure that you are respecting the girl’s emotions: when she wants you to take the pedal off the gas – do so.
Being pushy when a girl is giving resistance is narcissistic. It shows that you feel entitled to get what you want even if the girl doesn’t want the same thing.
Start looking for signs that you’re putting too much pressure on the woman you’re interacting with. The most common signs of this are:
- She leans away from you or takes a step back to create space.
- She looks around the area instead of making eye contact with you.
- She gives you short responses and doesn’t invest much in the conversation. (If you ask her what she does for a living she might just give a one-word answer without asking you a question in return.)
- Her body language closes up. (She crosses her arms, looks tense.)
- She responds negatively to your touch. (If you touch her shoulder, she leans away or moves your hand off her.)
- She makes an excuse to stop talking to you (She says she has to go to the bathroom.)
Don’t take the above signs too literally. Sometimes when a girl doesn’t make eye contact with you, it’s just because she’s shy. Sometimes when a girl says she has to use the bathroom, she really does have to use the bathroom.
Look for patterns. If women are regularly responding to you with a combination of the above signs, you’re probably being too aggressive.
To shift from being aggressive to being assertive, you must learn how to take a step back when you’re putting too much pressure on a girl.
Things that reduce pressure include:
- Breaking eye contact.
- Giving her an ‘out’. For example, if you sense a girl is uncomfortable, you might say, “Hey, you can go if you don’t want to talk to me, I won’t be offended.” This is powerful because it shows the girl that you care about how she’s feeling, which gives her a reason to trust you. Usually, the girl will apologize for how she was acting. But if she says she wants to leave, that interaction probably wasn’t going anywhere, so it’s not a loss.
- Taking a literal step away from her (to create physical space).
- Leaning away from her.
If you use the above techniques but the girl still seems uncomfortable, use a statement of empathy: verbally acknowledge that you went too far in some way. You might say, “I’m sorry, I know that was a little too much.” Then, change the topic of the conversation (you don’t want to be overly apologetic).
Saying this lets the girl know that you’re aware she was uncomfortable and are willing to do what it takes to change that.
Oftentimes, guys are so focused on themselves that they don’t notice what the girl they’re talking to is thinking or feeling at all.
It might not sound ‘sexy’, but one of the most useful skills you can have for attracting women is an acute sense of empathy. Knowing when a girl is enjoying what you’re doing and wants more – and knowing when she wants you to take a step back – is a key to success with women.
If you’re putting too much pressure on a girl, but you don’t do something to reduce it, she’ll eventually reject you.
If, on the other hand, you notice her discomfort and take steps to alleviate it, then the girl will know she can trust that you’re the kind of guy who will not manipulate her or take advantage of her.
When a girl trusts you, there’s a much better chance she’ll be comfortable with the idea of going home with you. As a man, you don’t have to worry much that a girl you take home will physically harm you. But for women, this is a serious (and legitimate) concern. If you show a girl that you’re not too pushy or needy in public, there’s a much better chance she’ll be comfortable to spend time with you in private.
Shockingly, one of the most common reasons guys get rejected is because they want to get rejected.
This is a symptom of what I call passive neediness. When men feel insecure about their attractiveness to women, they often approach with the intention of getting blown out. These men will fuck up their interactions by being too passive in some way. A few examples of passive neediness include:
- Being so quiet the girl can barely hear you.
- Inability to hold eye contact.
- Making your conversations logical rather than emotional (AKA interview mode).
I know one guy from Las Vegas who approached 20 girls a night, every night. Most of his interactions with women lasted less than 30 seconds because he barely even got their attention.
He wasn’t consciously aware that he was being so quiet and timid, he was half-assing his approaches because he felt insecure internally, and his external behaviors reflected that insecurity.
Passive neediness is one of the most common reason men don’t reach the social hook point. Approaching with the (subconscious) intention of getting rejected allows you to avoid getting your ego bruised (she’s not rejecting the real you, she’s rejecting your shitty approach).
The underlying cause of passive neediness is fear of sexual rejection. The solution to passive neediness is to face your fear directly.
Psychiatrist David Burns created a type of exposure therapy he calls, “rejection training.” Basically, you’re going to approach women in a way that forces them to either turn you down or go on a date with you.
The exercise is simple, walk up to women and say, “Hey, I just want to say you’re absolutely stunning and I was wondering if you’d like to go on a date with me sometime.”
More often than not, the girl will reject you. But that’s the point, by doing this exercise you will realize that being directly turned down by a girl isn’t a big deal. Once you internalize this belief, there will be no reason for you to approach women in a way that shows passive neediness. You’re now comfortable with being rejected, you don’t ‘need’ the girl to like you. You’ll finally be able to take risks that may get you rejected, sure, but they may also get you laid.
If this exercise is too difficult, use the 3 steps mentioned in my approach anxiety article to build social momentum. Once you’ve completed those steps, you’ll be in a confident enough state to walk up to a girl and immediately ask her on a date.
Although this exercise will get you rejected, some girls will probably say yes. This isn’t the most effective pickup line ever, but it’s so bold that some women will be impressed enough to want to see you again.Follow me on Snapchat to see daily infield footage (approaches, makeouts, pulls) Username: AveryGHayden
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