To know if you’ve reached the sexual hook point, ask yourself, “What would happen if she and I were left alone in a room together?” Is the answer, “We’d tear each other’s clothes off and have passionate sex.” If so, congratulations! You’ve passed the sexual hook point (Release the confetti and fireworks).
Many guys have trouble reaching the sexual hook point because going up to talk to a girl leaves room for plausible deniability (maybe you just want to make friends). Getting rejected for a kiss, on the other hand, can get you rejected not just personally, but sexually as well.
We avoid risking sexual rejection by playing it safe: we don’t initiate physical contact, we don’t make strong eye contact, and we avoid saying anything that might be offensive.
If you’re not reaching the sexual hook point with women, you’re playing not to lose instead of playing to win. Playing not to lose protects you from facing potentially humiliating rejection at the cost of also protecting you from successfully cultivating a sexual relationship. It’s the old adage, “You miss every shot you don’t take.” By passing the ball instead of taking a shot, you relieve yourself of responsibility, but you also prevent yourself form winning.
You can’t get to the sexual hook point with every girl. Sometimes a girl will be in a committed relationship, she’ll be a lesbian, or she won’t have any natural chemistry with you. If you’re playing to win, it’s inevitable you’ll get rejected sometimes – yet, it’s equally inevitable that you’ll make things happen with women sometimes, too.
Be honest: how often when you go out do you end up doing something with a girl that is undeniably sexual? This includes things like grinding on the dance floor and making out with a girl.
It’s possible that you reached the sexual hook point without doing anything sexual with a girl, but making a move is the only way to know whether she’s sexually attracted for sure.
The sexual hook-point is essentially a bridge to sexual escalation (kissing, dancing, etc.), so the best way to find out if you’re reaching the sexual hook-point is to escalate physically with a girl.
This isn’t to say you should try to kiss every girl you talk to (far from it). But if you’re going out regularly, and you don’t end up grinding with or making out with any women at all – you’re not taking enough risks.
We hesitate to lean in for the kiss or to ask a girl to dance because doing so could get us rejected. Yet, if we never make those moves, we are getting rejected by default. The end result is the same, the rejection just hurts our ego more if it results from making a move.
You could ask yourself, “Have I reached the sexual hook point with this girl?” and analyze things like her body language and eye-contact, but doing so would be a waste of time; you’re only making a guess.
If you truly want to know if a girl is sexually interested in you, you must take a risk and get your answer based on whether she accepts or rejects your advances.
This can be done gradually, you don’t have to go from casual conversation directly to leaning in for a make-out, but if you want to succeed with women, you will need to learn to move towards doing something definitively sexual (like making out).
When deciding whether reaching the sexual hook-point is something you need to improve at, don’t ask yourself whether girls find you attractive, ask yourself if you’re putting yourself in situations where you can make something sexual happen.
To quantify this, if you’re going out to a club, you should be expecting to make-out with, or at least dance with, a girl on a nearly nightly basis.
(If that’s not happening, you might not approaching enough women or not approaching women you’re attracted to. If that’s the case, you’ll first want to take care of that sticking point before addressing sexual escalation.)
If you’re going out, you’re asking girls to join you on the dance floor, and you’re attempting to physically escalate – but you’re getting rejected – then you know that you’re not reaching the sexual hook point consistently. In that case, this is the sticking point you should focus on.
If you’re going out and you are frequently physically escalating and making out with girls, then, obviously, you’re reaching the sexual hook point at least some of the time. At that point, you’ll want to ask yourself sexual escalation is something think you need to get better at.
Ask yourself whether you’re regularly missing opportunities with women you’re attracted to. When you meet a girl you like, how often do you sell yourself short by not taking the risks that might have lead to a sexual relationship with her? How often are you left wonder, “Did she like me? Could something have happened with her?”
If you’re like most guys, the honest answer is “All the time.” Sexual escalation is probably the second most common sticking point in this entire book, and for good reason.
The Problem With Investment
The more you interact with a particular girl, the more you invest in her emotionally. If a girl you’ve only met 2 minutes ago were to reject you for a kiss, it wouldn’t be a big deal – you don’t care about her. But if a girl you’ve been friends with for a year were to reject you for a kiss, that might feel like the end of the world.
Just spending an hour or two interacting with a particular girl can add up to a substantial emotional investment. Once you’ve already established a good rapport with a girl, the idea of losing that rapport – and losing that girl – by sexually escalating is anxiety provoking.
Not only is escalating frightening because doing so risks the loss of your emotional investment, but escalation also carries with it a potential blow to your ego. We all want to see ourselves as a guy who can get the girl, and getting sexually rejected by a girl represents an attack on that identity.
Fortunately, with the right strategy, sexual escalation can become smooth and instinctive. And you can do this without risking being labeled as a total creep who has no empathy. With that said, let’s dive into how to master the art of sexual escalation.
The problem with IOI’s
An IOI (Indicator of interest) is one of a number of signs a woman might give you that she’s attracted to you. Women are rarely overt in showing their interest, they tend to show it more subtly than us men.
Some of the most common indicators of interest include:
- Playing with her hair
- Making strong eye contact with you
- Laughing at your jokes (even if they’re not that funny)
- Touching you in any way
- Complimenting you “You’re funny/interesting/etc.”
- Making an excuse to talk to you I.E. “Do you have a cigarette?”
Dating coaches teach men about indicators of interest because they act as green lights showing that you can move things forward with a girl. It’s true that if you could accurately read indicators of interest, you could get a sense of when a girl wants you to sexually escalate. But there’s a big problem. We men can’t accurately read indicators of interest.
Our ability to understand indicators of interest is corrupted by our emotions. A girl might touch us, laugh at everything we say, hold strong eye contact, and give us numerous compliments, but we might still think, “She just likes me as a friend, I don’t feel like she’s interested in me sexually, maybe if I get a couple more indicators of interest.”
There have been numerous times when a girl was throwing herself at me, but I didn’t make a move because I wasn’t confident that she was actually interested. One girl invited herself to my bedroom and suggested we should give each other massages. She literally sat on top of me and gave me a sensual massage in my bed, and I was thinking, “Well, unless she leans into kiss me, this is probably a friendly massage.” I didn’t make a move. The morning after, she woke up and said, “Well, that’s not what I was expecting to happen.” I never saw that girl again.
The above anecdote is just one of hundreds of times in which a girl was giving me obvious signs that she was interested, but I failed to make a move because I didn’t feel like she was interested. The indicators of interest were clear, but my low self-esteem corrupted my understanding of them. Even though I had all the green lights a guy could ever want, I didn’t hook up with those girls.
If looking for indicators of interest is a bad idea, what’s the alternative? To simplify the process. Instead of thinking about whether a girl is giving you signs that she’s interested, you can find out whether it would be appropriate to escalate by doing what’s known as “pinging”.
Pinging A Girl’s Interest
To ping a girl’s interest, touch her in a non-threatening, platonic way. The most basic version of this is to touch her shoulder. Her response to your touch acts as a ping that tells you whether she likes being physical with you. If she responds negatively by either moving your hand away from her, or by leaning away from you – that’s a red light. It means that she’s not comfortable being touched by you (at least at that time and place).
Sometimes a girl will give you a red light just because she’s shy, other times it’s because she’s not interested in you. You’ll have to use your own judgment when deciding whether to continue an interaction with a girl if she’s giving you red lights.
As you get more experienced, you’ll develop a better understanding of whether a girl is playing hard to get or if she’s really not interested – but when you’re relatively new to the game, it won’t be easy to tell.
If you get a red light, and you decide to continue the interaction, you should slow things down. Once you sense that the girl is comfortable with you, you can ping physicality once more or simply get her number and make plans to go on a date with her later.
If you touch a girl, and she doesn’t respond either positively or negatively, that’s a yellow light. This means escalating further (I.E. going for the make out) isn’t the best idea. Now, you’ll want to take a step back and give her some time to get more comfortable with you before pinging again.
If you touch a girl, and she responds by touching you back or leaning in towards you, that’s a green light. This is the best indicator you’ll get that you can escalate further. Of course, just because a girl touches your shoulder doesn’t always means she wants to kiss you, but it often does.
Remember, if a girl rejects your kiss, the world won’t end. Plus, believe it or not, you’ll probably feel better about yourself looking back on the rejection than if you never made a move. Getting rejected is better than wondering what might have happened.
Other than touching a girl’s shoulder, you can also ping physicality by leading her to another location and putting out your elbow (for her to lock elbows with you). If you met her in the day, you might say, “Let’s go get a quick cup of coffee,” and then put out your arm for her. If she locks arms with you, that’s a green light. If you met her in the night, you might suggest going outside to get some fresh air or to go to the bar to get a drink.
A third option for physical pinging is to invite a girl to dance with you (obviously this is mostly something you would do at clubs).
If a girl gives you a yellow light when she touches your shoulder, she might still give you a green light when you extend your arm for her to grab or ask her to dance with you.
If a girl gives you a green light, take that to mean that you can go in for the kiss. It doesn’t mean you have to do it at that second, but don’t worry about getting other I.O.I’s because there’s too much room for misinterpretation.
It’s true that a girl who gave you a green light might not want to kiss you. Unfortunately, there’s no way to eliminate uncertainty, you can only reduce it. You could ask, “Can I kiss you now,” but doing so often kills the moment and may result in a girl who did want to kiss you changing her mind.
Going For The Kiss
So, how do you actually go for the kiss once you’ve gotten a green light? There’s no secret to it, just lean in. Ideally, you don’t want to lean in too abruptly. Make the motion slow enough that she can get ready to be kissed (or to reject you).
If you’ve never kissed a girl, you might think that your first kiss will be bad, and the girl will make fun of you as a result. You’re right that it probably won’t be the best kiss of all time, but you’re wrong in thinking the girl will make fun of you.
If your first kiss is awkward, just tell her it was your first kiss. She’ll think it’s cute that you chose her for your first kiss, and chances are, she’ll be happy to give you some hands-on lessons afterwards.
Don’t overthink the right moment to go for a kiss. There is no one right moment. What makes a good kiss is the sense that it was spontaneous. It could be while you’re dancing with her, but it could also be when you’re walking with her.
Once you’ve gotten a green light from pinging, go for the kiss whenever you want. To be fair, you might get rejected when you lean in for the kiss – but this rejection is useful feedback.
If you get rejected, don’t get upset, be respectful and take a step back. She won’t be offended unless you don’t respect her boundaries. Once she’s given you a no (verbally or non-verbally), it’s time to apologize and make fun of yourself, “Sorry, that was awkward. I thought we were having a moment, but I guess it was just an awkward moment. Anyway.”, and move on.
In some cases, a girl rejecting you for a kiss doesn’t mean she will never want to kiss you. If she rejects you for a kiss but says, “Not yet,” “Not here,” or something similar, than she just wants to know you better or be in private. If she flat out rejects you and doesn’t give you any reason to move on, the best option is to just meet another girl.
Again, going in for the kiss and getting rejected feels a lot better than wondering what would have happened if you tried.
Making out isn’t the only form of sexual escalation, but once you’ve made out with a girl, you’ve pretty clearly established the sexual nature of the interaction.
Conclusion: How To Reach The Sexual Hook Point
This sticking point is extremely common and it’s difficult to overcome for some guys. Persistence is key. Every time you go out and you meet a girl that you like, but you don’t sexually escalate, it’s going to frustrate you. Embrace that frustration, use it as fuel so that the next time you’re talking with a girl you like, you tell yourself, “fuck it” and you go for it.
It might not be poetic, but most of my progress in game came from times of frustration. One time, I went on a date with a girl to a country bar. We were dancing and talking – everything was going well. But another guy came up and approached her. He completely ignored me and asked my date to dance with him. She looked at me as if to give me an opportunity to say, “She’s my date, sorry man.” But I didn’t say anything, and they danced.
After the dance, my date came back to me, but this guy followed soon after and kept talking to her. He invited us to play pool and as we did so he kept flirting with my date. By the end of the night, I wasn’t talking to her anymore, I might as well have not been on a date at all. At the end of the night this guy took my date home with him.
Getting my date “stolen” from me was frustrating. I could have blamed the guy for being a douche, I could have blamed my date for having no respect, but instead I took it as a learning experience. My passivity allowed a random guy to take my date home with him. The next time a guy started talking to the girl I was with, I wasn’t going to let the same thing happen.
Only a couple weeks later, I met an extremely cute girl at a club. We started talking and hit it off, so I invited her to dance with me. She agreed, but as we walked to the dance floor, some guy started talking to her. He was blatantly flirtatious, so I said, “Sorry man, she and I have to go,” before anything could happen between them. I ended up dancing with this girl, and a couple hours later we were back at my place. If I hadn’t learned from what happened with the guy who stole my date a couple weeks before, I wouldn’t have brought that girl home with me.
Learning to sexually escalate can be a big hurdle, especially if you don’t have much past sexual experience. The only way to overcome this hurdle is to throw yourself into situations where something sexual might happen with a woman.
That’s why it’s a bad idea to spend all your time with one girl – your “crush” – when you put a lot of time into one girl, you’re going to get way too emotionally invested to take any risks with her. As a result, all the time spent with her doesn’t lead to anything. And even if you do confess your feelings for her after months of being friends, by that time she’s almost certainly put you squarely in the friend zone.
Even if you are looking for a girlfriend or to start a family, the most effective way to get to that goal is to approach many different women. Doing so will allow you to become more attractive to women in general. Then, when you do meet that girl who stands heads and shoulders above the rest, you’ll have no problem getting her.
Sexual escalation is a skill that takes practice to master. If you’ve gone years without having the quality or quantity of sexual relationships that you’d like to have, you’re going to have to make up for that lost time with frequent practice!
PS: This post is an excerpt from Irresistible: How To Attract Women With Ease
Follow me on Snapchat to see daily infield footage (approaches, makeouts, pulls) Username: AveryGHayden
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