After hours of research, I had found what I thought to be the perfect pickup line. I walked up to a beautiful girl and said, “Hey, I thought you were cute, and I had to say hi.” She smiled, said thank you, and we talked for a couple minutes until she paused and said, “It was nice to meet you,” and walked away. I never saw her again.
I’ve read dozens of books teaching men how to attract women with lines, tactics, and tricks. But after 10 years in the game, thousands of approaches, and yes, a good number of “lays” – I’ve found that attracting women isn’t something you can force. In fact, the harder you try to get a woman to like you, the less attractive you will be to her.
When that girl from the above example rejected me, I could have blamed it on the line I used. But truthfully, no matter what I said, the result would have been the same. This is because attraction isn’t something you do, it’s something you are.
Of all the times I attracted a woman, not once did I attract her because of some technique I used. Every single time, I attracted her because of who I was.
There’s a saying, “The self is always shining through.” Basically, no matter how hard you try to “make a girl like you” using some tactic, it won’t work because using a technique to attract a woman is in itself a form of overcompensation.
We only use techniques because on some level we don’t believe we’re good enough by default, so we try to make up for our inadequacy with a line or a trick(1).
I can’t teach you how attract a specific girl using techniques, but I CAN teach you how to be an attractive man who naturally draws women in.
There’s no quick-fix. Becoming the most attractive version of yourself requires that you invest both time and effort in yourself. But the end result is easily worth it. Over-time – by following the 4 tips in this article – you will become exponentially more appealing to the opposite sex.
How To Be An Attractive Man Key 1:
Develop your Self-Confidence
It’s no secret that self-confidence is attractive, but what is it, really?
If asked, most people would say, “Self-confidence is belief in yourself.” And that’s true, but there’s a key component missing in that definition.
Self-confidence isn’t just belief in yourself, it’s the belief that everything will turn out okay when you attempt something.
Self-confidence doesn’t mean you expect every girl to like you, it simply means that you’re okay with the consequences of taking a risk, even if the girl doesn’t like you.
When we lack self-confidence with women, we think that rejection is the worst thing that could happen to us. That fear causes us to filter ourselves in conversation, to adopt defensive body language, and even to speak with a weaker vocal tonality.
Our inner lack of confidence causes us to behave less attractively. The more confident you become, the more attractive you will be – because you’ll stop getting in your own way.
How do you actually do that? Well, how do we become confident in anything? Take driving for example. We become confident drivers by giving our brains proof that when we take the wheel, disaster will not ensue.
Every time we drive – and we live to tell the tale – we become a little more confident in ourselves as a driver. The same applies to dating. Every time you take a social risk, and come out the other side unharmed, you will become a little bit more confident.
For example, the more women you approach, the lower the stakes will feel when you walk up to a girl, because you’ll become comfortable with the possibility of getting rejected.
What this means will vary from person to person. For many guys just starting their journey, the first step to developing self-confidence will just be getting out of the house, for others it will be something bolder.
As you develop your self-confidence, you will become more attractive to women. Fortunately, if you utilize tip 4, the process of confidence building will largely take place automatically.
The most important take-aways from this are that you can’t fake confidence, and that it will take time to develop – BUT your level of confidence is completely under your control and improving it will make you more attractive.
Further resources on how to become more confident:
- https://medium.com/@aghayden/charisma-is-the-most-appealing-quality-an-individual-can-have-6997168b8571 This article titled how to be more charismatic applies just as well to self-confidence and gives you an in-depth how to guide on letting go of your social insecurities.
- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pj6qhHYLeMU& This video goes into detail about the mindset of confidence with women.
How To Be An Attractive Man Key 2:
The more women you’re willing to reject, the more attractive to women you will become. This is counter-intuitive, but it’s true.
If there is one thing that turns women off more than anything, it’s neediness. A guy acts needy when he is so desperate to be with a girl that no matter what she does or says, he would still sleep with her.
Neediness is suffocating. It shows that you take getting with a girl way too seriously and that you see yourself as incapable of getting another girl of her caliber if you wanted to.
Most of the guys I’ve met who have trouble attracting women (and there are many) have a problem with neediness. They see girls as a means to an end. They will happily sleep with any girl because that makes them feel like they “won”.
Men with this mindset don’t meet women to connect with another human being, but to get a sense of accomplishment from sleeping with a girl.
These guys don’t have standards for themselves. They see a hot girl as a prize to be won, so they are desperate to get her. Her personality is irrelevant. Her values are irrelevant.
When you see women as mere sex-objects, it’s impossible to have a real human interaction with them. And, naturally, a man who sees a woman as a human being is much more likely to attract her than a man who sees her as the fleshy equivalent of a gold coin.
The best way to eliminate this neediness that derives from seeing attractive women as prizes is to develop standards. Instead of being the guy who will do anything to get with the hot girl, you want to be the guy who’s interested in the hot girl but hasn’t decided if he wants to sleep with her yet.
Just like confidence, this can’t be faked. Pretending that you have standards by disqualifying a girl or negging her won’t make her see you as a high-status guy. You have to develop actual standards.
A good place to start is to make a clear list of what you won’t accept in a woman you’re considering dating (in whatever capacity). For reference, here’s a few of the things I won’t accept in a woman:
-If a girl has any kind of drug addiction, I’m out.
-If she’s unhealthily narcissistic, I’m out
-If she has a negative mindset, I’m out.
-If she is uninteresting, I’m out.
When I’m interacting with a woman, I’m screening her for the above traits. She might be a perfect ten in appearance, but if she’s narcissistic and uninteresting, I’m not going to sleep with her. To do so would be selling myself short.
The only reason I would sleep with that girl is because it would give me a sense of ego-gratification. I’d be doing it, so I could tell my friends about, not because to do so would actually be enjoyable.
In my experience, at least, sex is better when you actually like the person. Physical attraction is important, too, sure. But I’ve been with extremely beautiful women in the past who I didn’t have any chemistry with – and it was crappy.
Writing a list of the things you won’t tolerate in a potential sexual partner and rejecting women who don’t meet those standards is a powerful strategy for becoming more attractive to women. (Btw, it’s also useful to write a list of the things you do want in a partner.)
When you’re interacting with a beautiful woman and you’re willing to reject her depending on what she does and says, the entire dynamic changes. Instead of acting like a guy who would do anything to get laid, you will act like a guy who has an abundance of options.
Your non-neediness will make you infinitely more attractive than all the desperate guys pining after her. But this starts with taking a moment to write out what you want (and don’t want) in a girl you’re considering having a sexual relationship with.
How To Be An Attractive Man Key 3:
Improve your Appearance
Looks matter. The better looking you are, the higher percentage of women will make it easy for you to pick them up. At the same time, no matter how unattractive you are, some percentage of women will be attracted to you if are confident, non-needy, etc. (and that percentage is probably higher than you think).
There are two important misconceptions about looks that must be cleared up:
- Waiting to get in shape before meeting women is a silly idea.
- Your looks matter, but they don’t exist in a vacuum.
A lot of guys realize that looks matter, so they decide that once they’ve got their looks “handled” they’ll start approaching women. This is problematic because it can easily turn into a form of procrastination. Your appearance is something that you can constantly improve, but you’ll never reach a particular point where you’ve “made it”. Furthermore, improving your looks won’t make game easy. I’ve seen numerous good-looking guys fail at game. These guys expect their looks to do all the work for them, but truth is you still have to be very confident and assertive to succeed with women.
The vast majority of guys don’t have the confidence necessary to take a woman home, and that’s something you can only develop through practice. Thinking you look good helps, but it’s not magically going to make you comfortable with social risk taking –(if only it were that simple).
Improve your appearance while also improving your social skills. It’s not one or the other, it’s both. Focusing on your looks while neglecting to actually interact with women is a recipe for failure.
Social skills, confidence, and physical attractiveness are all important when it comes to dating, don’t sell yourself short by improving one and neglecting the others. To do so would be as silly as learning how to shoot in basketball, but not how to dribble or pass.
That said, you can make a staggering improvement in your appearance in the course of a single day. Get a high-end salon haircut. Buy some clothes that fit well and don’t make you look like you live in your mother’s basement. Simply dressing better and having a sense of style will make you more substantially more attractive. It’s not going to make up for a lack of confidence and experience, but it’s a good start. And really, 95% of guys in the seduction community have plenty of room to improve their style.
I’m no expert on fashion, but here are a couple resources you can look at to get started with:
Obviously, when it comes to improving your looks, style is only half the battle. There’s no reason not to be in good shape. If you’re not already working out regularly, the easiest way to start is to go to the gym with a friend of yours who’s already in good shape.
Having a gym buddy will help keep you accountable to working out even when you don’t feel motivated. Plus, if your friend is in good shape, they’ll be able to help provide you with guidance.
If you don’t have a friend who can help you, there’s an unlimited number of fitness guides you can download. Find someone you resonate with and trust and follow their plan. If you have trouble being consistent, get a trainer to hold you accountable and provide guidance.
How To Be An Attractive Man Key 4:
Treat Dating Like A Skill
Whatever you want to accomplish in life, there are certain elements that are outside of your control. – If you want to be a doctor, a low IQ is a disadvantage that’s outside your control. – If you want to get rich, having a poor family is disadvantage that’s outside your control. – If you want to date beautiful women, factors like your height, race, etc. can be disadvantages that are outside your control.
Dating coaches who say factors like your race and height don’t matter are lying. Sure, they matter, but they’re out of your control: worrying about them is only going to hurt you.
When you tell yourself, “Girls don’t like Asians,” you’re going to see your interactions with women through that lens. If you walk up to a girl, and she rejects you, you’re going to say, “It’s because I’m Asian. If I were white that wouldn’t have happened.”
This narrative becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you’re interacting with a woman, and you expect her not to like you, you’ll act different than if you expect her to like you. Your insecurities will show up in your behavior, and when she rejects you, you’ll think, “It’s because I’m Asian.” Then you’ll become even more insecure, women will like you even less, and so on.
You can’t change your race, but you can change many of the other factors that create sexual attraction. The guy who wants to get rich but has a poor family can work twice as hard as his competition, and within a few years he can get to a point where he’s making a six-figure income.
Similarly, a short Asian guy with a below average face can succeed with women IF he works twice as hard as his competition and focuses on the factors that are under his control. His level of self-confidence is under his control, his style and fitness are under his control, and his ability to take social risks is under his control.
Look, with the above example, I said that the guy with a poor family could make six-figures, I didn’t say he can become a billionaire. Being a billionaire probably requires a certain amount of luck, the right family, being born in right time and place, the right genetics, etc.
But anyone can make six-figures with enough time and effort. The same is true in dating. If you’re naturally a four on a looks scale, I can’t promise that you’ll be able to date Victoria’s Secret models, but you can still bat way out of your league and hook up with attractive girls.
By treating dating as a skillset, you can date higher quality women than you would otherwise. If you fixate on whether you can get “perfect tens” you’re just going to cause yourself frustration.
We have these fantasies, whether it’s to be a billionaire or to sleep with “10s”. These fantasies stifle us because they’re so far outside of our reality. Worry about pulling “10s” when you can already pull “9s” easily. Treat dating like a skillset by taking it one step at a time. Don’t spend much time learning how to build attraction when you still have crippling approach anxiety.
- I know a guy who’s great at getting women attracted to him, but he always chokes by leaving the interaction before anything sexual can happen. He would massively improve his results if he focused on leading interactions forward by inviting the girl to the dance floor, to another area, etc.
- I know another guy who is great at opening girls, but he’s so quiet they don’t pay attention to him. He would gain so much by working on his volume.
- I know a third guy who is great at dating girls who aren’t particularly attractive. But he won’t even approach girls who he thinks are pretty. He’s unnecessarily limiting himself to only date women that are far worse looking than he is!
I could give countless examples like the above. No, these guys can’t change their race, but they can learn to lead interactions forward, to speak louder, or to approach more attractive women.
In dating, there countless factors that are under your control. Worrying about the things outside your control is silly when there are so many things you can proactively improve on.
Don’t think about your race, think about your confidence. Don’t think about your height, think about your inability to approach attractive women.
Treat dating as a skill, and you can improve your results dramatically. Treat it like something entirely based on your genetics, and you’ll just drown yourself in self-pity.
Skill Only Comes with Practice
The other key to treating dating like a skill, is to practice. If you spent 5 hours a week reading about how to pass a basketball, but never went out and played the game, people would think you’re an idiot.
Yet it’s common for guys to spend dozens- if not hundreds – of hours learning about how to attract women, without going out into the world and practicing. Intellectual learning is only useful if you’re spending most of your time in the real world getting real feedback.
Imagining what a good basketball shot looks like is completely different from taking the actual shot. Similarly, imagining what a good approach looks like is completely different from doing the approach. Information is only helpful to provide some guidance, it can’t do the work for you. Only real practice can.
It’s a lot easier to read about picking up women than it is to actually do it. I know this as well as anyone. When I first learned about the seduction community, I spent over a year watching videos without doing a single approach. Was it helpful? No. If anything, my social skills got worse because I became so overanalytical. Learning how to attract women without practicing is just as absurd as trying to learn any other skill without practicing.
Treating dating like a skillset is difficult. It takes patience, time, and effort to do so. Here are some resources that can help you if you get stuck:
- Skype Coaching. A good coach will help you stay motivated and learn faster than you would otherwise because he has a good sense of how to learn this skillset. A. https://www.toddvdating.com/online-coaching/ Todd is very experienced and a great analytical thinker. With his popularity comes a high price tag, though. B. https://rptheory.lpages.co/transformative-coaching/ First session is free, so you can get a sense of whether it’s going to be helpful to you without having to pay anything.
Conclusion: How To Be An Attractive Man
There you have it, how to be an attractive man. Any of the four tips can change your life individually, but master all four and you won’t believe the successes you’ll have.
Reading is how to do this is the easy part, becoming more attractive to women is a long-term process. Remember, anyone who tells you it’s going to be easy – that you can use some “hack” to succeed with women – is more interested in making money than in helping you improve.
Changing your life is hard, but what’s the alternative? Approaching women can be painful, but not nearly as painful as it would be to settle for a woman you’re not happy with because “she was the best you could get” (which is what the majority of men end up doing).
Fortunately, most of the factors that make a man attractive to women are under your control. If you’re willing to treat dating like a skill, you can master it.
1. This isn’t to say you should NEVER use a technique. They can be useful to get a feel for a principle of social dynamics that you don’t naturally utilize. For example, if you’re a nice guy, it could be useful to practice using some push-pull to get a feel for what being polarizing means and to get comfortable with being less agreeable. The technique isn’t going to attract women on its own, but it might help you get over your insecurities/limiting beliefs.
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