Every seduction has an element of danger to it, that’s what makes it exciting. If the thought of sleeping with you feels completely safe, then it’s also boring. In fact, it’s a lack of dangerousness that lands many men in the friend zone.
At the same time, too much danger will make a girl uncomfortable. If you seem genuinely threatening or lacking in empathy, that will turn a girl off. Therefore, for a seduction to be successful, you must make a girl feel comfortable with the idea of being alone with you.
This is one of the great paradoxes in men’s dating advice – comfort vs. raw sexual attraction. Most of the advice that we learn from popular culture teaches us how to make women comfortable. We’re taught to befriend a woman, to give her time, attention, and praise, until she is so charmed by us that she decides to date us.
There is truth to this advice, but it’s only half the puzzle. In fact, it’s so incomplete that frustrated men created an entire community of Pickup Artists to teach men the other half of the game. PUA’s teach men how to be exciting, challenging, and yes, even dangerous.
Unfortunately, PUA’s focus so much on teaching men how to be intriguing, that they neglect the other side of the coin. Rarely do these men teach aspiring Casanovas how to make a woman feel special and how to make her trust you – both emotionally and physically.
Generally, the behaviors that make a woman feel sexual attraction for you, make her a bit less comfortable with you, and the behaviors that make a woman feel comfortable with you, make her less attracted to you.
In this article, we’re going to solve this paradox so that you are able to simultaneously make women feel a powerful sexual attraction for you and comfortable enough with you to be happy to express that sexual attraction for you in a bedroom.
First, we must explain exactly what makes a woman feel comfortable with you, and what makes her feel sexual attraction for you – and how to successfully intertwine both.
The Importance of Comfort
Nice guys are masters of making women feel comfortable. They never do anything that might cross her boundaries. These guys avoid sexualizing their interactions: they don’t touch the girl they like, they don’t talk about sexual topics, and they give the girl every impression that he likes her as a friend.
Of course, nice guys are too safe. They don’t represent a “sexual threat” in any shape or form. If a girl were alone in a bedroom with a nice guy, he probably wouldn’t do anything more than cuddle with her (I know because I’ve been in this situation in the past).
Although the PUA community generally belittles nice guys, comfort is vitally important to women, for a couple reasons:
-First, if a woman doesn’t trust you, she’s not going to want to be alone in a room with a man who’s probably twice her size and totally capable of harming her. This is a danger that women are acutely aware of. If a girl doesn’t trust you, she’s not going to put herself in a physically vulnerable position with you.
-Second, if a woman doesn’t trust you, she’s going to think you’re a player who is only interested in fucking her and then never talking to her again. Now, women aren’t necessarily opposed to having a one-night-stand, but for them, seduction is far more emotional than it is physical. She needs to feel like you care about her as a person, instead of just seeing her as a sex object to be disposed of.
You’re rarely going to hear a pickup artist talking about how to be a good listener, how to make a girl feel good about herself, and how to have meaningful, emotionally vulnerable conversations. Yet, these are all important seduction skills you should have at your disposal.
When you create comfort, you’re basically showing a girl that you care about her. This is important, because when we think someone cares about us, we don’t think they will do anything to intentionally hurt us.
Of course, comfort by itself, is boring, unstimulating, and stale. Therefore, there must be an element of danger as well to spark raw sexual attraction.
Sparking Sexual Attraction
I’ve had many former students completely neglect the importance of comfort. They will walk up to a girl and immediately try to create sexual tension by being confrontational. They will tease the girl, disqualify themselves, and generally make themselves seem uninterested in her.
An element of challenge is fine, even desirable, but too much is completely unrelatable for a girl. If she thinks you don’t like her as a person, why is she going to like you as a person? She won’t.
These “challenging” guys tend to have short interactions that usually end in groups of girls saying, “We need to use the bathroom.”
The fundamental problem with PUA advice is that it conveys the message that you shouldn’t show a girl you like her. It’s true that you can show too much interest, but it’s equally true that you can show too little interest.
If a girl doesn’t think you like her as a person, then there’s no comfort and she’s eventually going to lose interest in talking to you even if she’s sexually attracted to you.
If you make it too obvious you want to sleep with her, you can come across as either unempathetic or desperate. Both of which are, of course, unattractive.
For example, teasing is a great way to create sexual attraction (because it shows that you’re not afraid of her rejecting you which implies you must be high value). But too much teasing will start to feel like bullying.
If too much of what you do is geared towards showing that you are sexually attractive, you can make it so the girl doesn’t trust you.
The Paradox Solved
To make a girl comfortable with you, while also showing her that you sexually attractive, you must first diagnose your weakness.
Chances are, you’re good at either creating sexual attraction or comfort, but not both. Answer the following questions to know which area you need to work on:
- Do I regularly end up in the friend zone?
- Do girls tell me I’m nice?
- Do I often hesitate to make a move on a girl I like?
- Does the idea of directly complimenting a girl on her looks cause me to feel resistance?
The more of those questions you answered yes to, the more likely you are great at making women comfortable, but not at making them feel sexual attraction for you.
Now, answer the below questions:
- Do I get harsh rejections from girls regularly?
- Do I get labeled as a “player” by the girls I meet?
- Do I make out with girls, but then never see them again?
- Do women frequently give me last minute resistance?
The more of those questions you answered yes to, the better you are at creating sexual interest, but without creating enough comfort.
Chances are, you are better at one of the two above skillsets than the other. If you’re a guy who makes women feel comfortable with you, but doesn’t sexualize interactions enough, then you should work on your attraction game:
If you’re a guy who has no problem creating sexual attraction, but doesn’t make women feel comfortable, then you should work on your comfort game:
Practice being a good listener, being charming, and calibrating effectively.
The solution to the paradox is in balancing the two sides of it. Too much comfort is boring, too much sexual attraction is discomforting. Improve upon the skillset that you’re lacking in, until you hit the sweet spot.
You’ll be able to judge the progress you’re making by the way women respond to you.
Notice the patterns. Are you getting too many harsh rejections and numbers that don’t respond? Not enough comfort. Are girls happy to talk to you for an hour, but it never leads anywhere sexual? Not enough sexuality.
This is a learning process that doesn’t happen overnight. You must be willing to analyze yourself honestly so that you can find out what women aren’t getting enough of from you – comfort or sexual attraction.
Men have so much difficulty understanding what women really want because women want two contradictory things: comfort and raw, dangerous sexuality. To seduce a woman, you must give her both things simultaneously.
This is all paradoxical, but that’s what makes it so exciting. If the formula were easy to break down and master, seduction would be too predictable and mechanical to be any fun.
Put simply, the solution to the paradox is to acknowledge that it exists, discover your current weakness, and then experiment until you find a good balance between comfort and raw sexuality.
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