A kiosk salesman desperately waves down people walking through the mall to make a sale. When he stops someone, he puts on a show and does whatever it takes to close. He assumes (correctly) that if he doesn’t chase down sales, he’s going to underproduce and end up losing his job.
If you’re walking through a mall and a kiosk salesman waves you down, you might give them a moment of your time, but you won’t really care if you leave the kiosk emptyhanded. You’re not invested in any particular outcome, so whether or not you buy something, you’ll be perfectly fine with the outcome of the interaction.
That’s the difference between the buyer and seller mentality: the seller is invested in a particular outcome. If he makes the sale, he wins, if he doesn’t make the sale, he loses.
Most guys try to attract women with a mindset similar to that of a kiosk salesman. However, there’s a much more effective strategy- become the buyer. It’s counterintuitive and subtle, but if you adopt the buyer’s mentality when attracting women, you’re results will exponentially improve.
What The Seller Does Wrong
The seller mentality starts with a fundamental assumption that goes something like this, “By default, women are not attracted to me, so I have to sell myself to a girl to convince her to like me.”
Guys have a variety of different methods to sell themselves to a girl, some guys try to show off the fact that they’re wealthy and high status, “I’m a Raytheon engineer, it’s no big deal, but it’s nice to have a job that makes me a six-figure income.” (I knew someone who told this to every girl he met.)
Or a guy might try to convince a girl that he has an interesting personality by using pickup techniques like negging, “Ew, your dress is a little too yellow.” Other guys try to impress women by complimenting them on their beauty.
None of these things are attractive to women because guys do them in an attempt to impress a girl. They’re like the kiosk salesmen trying to stop passerby. Nothing you do to ‘make a girl like you’ will work.
Girls can feel that you’re trying to get something from them, they can detect the subtle differences in your tone, your eye contact, and even your pauses that indicate you are acting from the seller mentality.
That isn’t to say that negs are always bad, or that compliments are always unattractive, but the act of using them as a technique to convince a girl to like you is coming from an unattractive mindset.
And nothing you do from that mindset (I need this girl to like me) is going to help you succeed.
Sure, you can still hook up with a girl while operating from the seller mentality if a girl is desperate for validation or if you have great natural chemistry. But until you eradicate this mindset from your psyche, it’s going to hurt your results a lot.
For example, one of the hottest girls I slept with asked, “Are you okay?” while we were having sex. Why? Because I felt I had to bring my a-game to satisfy her (because she was so hot). She noticed that something was off. She could tell I was trying to hard. And this immediately turned her off.
I never did see that girl again, and it was just one of the many times that my need to prove myself to a girl turned her off.
Everyone falls into the seller mentality occasionally, but for most guys, it’s the default. And throughout the course of their lives, this mentality has probably cost them countless opportunities with attractive women.
So, what’s the solution? How do you step out of the seller mentality and into the much more attractive buyer’s mentality? It starts with understanding an important paradox in game.
Consciously or unconsciously, we measure our interactions with women according to some goal we have. That goal might be to make the girl laugh, to get her number, to sleep with her, etc. Your goal is based on your personal expectations of what kind of result you should strive for with a particular girl.
We fall into the seller mentality to reach our goal. We assume that, by default, the girl won’t give us her number, but if we try hard enough we can make her give us her number.
We try to sell the girl on the idea that she should give us her number the same way a kiosk salesman sells people on overpriced hand lotion.
Take away the goal, and you take away the seller mentality. Imagine if a kiosk salesman’s agenda were simply to make people who crossed his path happier for having met him. He would smile, say hello to people, and start friendly conversations – all for the sake of sharing positivity.
In so doing, the kiosk salesman would be much more likeable and charming, but of course, he wouldn’t make as many sales.
The same dilemma exists in game, getting rid of your agenda would help you make a better impression on girls, but because, in most cases women won’t lead an interaction in a sexual direction, to do so would prevent you from getting results.
It’s a paradox. You do need to lead your interactions in a sexual direction if you expect anything to happen, but if your goal is to get a certain outcome with a girl, it’s very easy to come across as needy or desperate.
Solving the Paradox
The solution for this paradox comes in understanding an important nuance: wanting something to happen isn’t the same as expecting it to happen. If you want a girl to like you, you’ll do whatever it takes to get her to like you. But if you expect a girl to like you, you’ll express yourself freely and genuinely, and she’ll probably like you for who you are.
As you get more experienced with women, you’ll start to expect women to like you, and you’ll be able to lead interactions towards sex without ever coming off as needy.
But, getting to the point where you expect women to like you can be tough. That’s why it can be helpful to change your goal: your criteria for success when interacting with women.
If you generally don’t expect women to like you (because you’re operating from the seller mentality), your goal should be to simply make girls’ days better for having met you.
That’s it. Your criteria for success is that the interaction was enjoyable for her. Your goal isn’t to fuck her, or to get her number, or anything like that, it’s just to make her day better for having met you.
Operating through this goal, you’ll let go of any neediness in your interactions with women, you’ll be more lighthearted and fun. As a result, you’ll get increasingly positive reactions from the women you meet.
Once you get to a point where you expect women to enjoy talking with you, then (and only then) you can change your goal to something like setting up a date with the girls you like.
By changing your agenda, your expectations will start to change. Instead of expecting women to dismiss you or reject you, you’ll start to expect them to enjoy interacting with you and to be glad to have met you.
From this point, you’ll have developed an understanding of what it means to interact with women from the buyer mentality.
At first, it might still be rocky or uncomfortable when you “go for the close,” but this will dissipate with experience (plus the fact that you’ve learned to operate from the buyer mentality in general will make more women receptive to your advances).
Then, your expectations will shift to become even more positive, and your results with women will improve even further.
It’s an upward spiral, and it all starts by changing your agenda to simply, “Make her day better for having met me.”
Once you get comfortable with interacting with women without needing to get something from them, you’ll be able to make everything else fall into place much more easily.
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