A kiosk salesman desperately waves down people walking through the mall to make a sale. When he stops someone, he puts on a show and does whatever it takes to close. He assumes (correctly) that if he doesn’t chase down sales, he’s going to underproduce and end up losing his job.

If you’re walking through a mall and a kiosk salesman waves you down, you might give them a moment of your time, but you won’t really care if you leave the kiosk emptyhanded. You’re not invested in any particular outcome, so whether or not you buy something, you’ll be perfectly fine with the outcome of the interaction.

That’s the difference between the buyer and seller mentality: the seller is invested in a particular outcome. If he makes the sale, he wins, if he doesn’t make the sale, he loses.

Most guys try to attract women with a mindset similar to that of a kiosk salesman. However, there’s a much more effective strategy- become the buyer. It’s counterintuitive and subtle, but if you adopt the buyer’s mentality when attracting women, you’re results will exponentially improve.


What The Seller Does Wrong

The seller mentality starts with a fundamental assumption that goes something like this, “By default, women are not attracted to me, so I have to sell myself to a girl to convince her to like me.”

Guys have a variety of different methods to sell themselves to a girl, some guys try to show off the fact that they’re wealthy and high status, “I’m a Raytheon engineer, it’s no big deal, but it’s nice to have a job that makes me a six-figure income.” (I knew someone who told this to every girl he met.)

Or a guy might try to convince a girl that he has an interesting personality by using pickup techniques like negging, “Ew, your dress is a little too yellow.” Other guys try to impress women by complimenting them on their beauty.

None of these things are attractive to women because guys do them in an attempt to impress a girl. They’re like the kiosk salesmen trying to stop passerby. Nothing you do to ‘make a girl like you’ will work.

Girls can feel that you’re trying to get something from them, they can detect the subtle differences in your tone, your eye contact, and even your pauses that indicate you are acting from the seller mentality.

That isn’t to say that negs are always bad, or that compliments are always unattractive, but the act of using them as a technique to convince a girl to like you is coming from an unattractive mindset.

And nothing you do from that mindset (I need this girl to like me) is going to help you succeed.

Sure, you can still hook up with a  girl while operating from the seller mentality if a girl is desperate for validation or if you have great natural chemistry. But until you eradicate this mindset from your psyche, it’s going to hurt your results a lot.

For example, one of the hottest girls I slept with asked, “Are you okay?” while we were having sex. Why? Because I felt I had to bring my a-game to satisfy her (because she was so hot). She noticed that something was off. She could tell I was trying to hard. And this immediately turned her off.

I never did see that girl again, and it was just one of the many times that my need to prove myself to a girl turned her off.

Everyone falls into the seller mentality occasionally, but for most guys, it’s the default. And throughout the course of their lives, this mentality has probably cost them countless opportunities with attractive women.

So, what’s the solution? How do you step out of the seller mentality and into the much more attractive buyer’s mentality? It starts with understanding an important paradox in game.


The Paradox


Consciously or unconsciously, we measure our interactions with women according to some goal we have. That goal might be to make the girl laugh, to get her number, to sleep with her, etc. Your goal is based on your personal expectations of what kind of result you should strive for with a particular girl.

We fall into the seller mentality to reach our goal. We assume that, by default, the girl won’t give us her number, but if we try hard enough we can make her give us her number.

We try to sell the girl on the idea that she should give us her number the same way a kiosk salesman sells people on overpriced hand lotion.

Take away the goal, and you take away the seller mentality. Imagine if a kiosk salesman’s agenda were simply to make people who crossed his path happier for having met him. He would smile, say hello to people, and start friendly conversations – all for the sake of sharing positivity.

In so doing, the kiosk salesman would be much more likeable and charming, but of course, he wouldn’t make as many sales.

The same dilemma exists in game, getting rid of your agenda would help you make a better impression on girls, but because, in most cases women won’t lead an interaction in a sexual direction, to do so would prevent you from getting results.

It’s a paradox. You do need to lead your interactions in a sexual direction if you expect anything to happen, but if your goal is to get a certain outcome with a girl, it’s very easy to come across as needy or desperate.


Solving the Paradox

The solution for this paradox comes in understanding an important nuance: wanting something to happen isn’t the same as expecting it to happen. If you want a girl to like you, you’ll do whatever it takes to get her to like you. But if you expect a girl to like you, you’ll express yourself freely and genuinely, and she’ll probably like you for who you are.

As you get more experienced with women, you’ll start to expect women to like you, and you’ll be able to lead interactions towards sex without ever coming off as needy.

But, getting to the point where you expect women to like you can be tough. That’s why it can be helpful to change your goal: your criteria for success when interacting with women.

If you generally don’t expect women to like you (because you’re operating from the seller mentality), your goal should be to simply make girls’ days better for having met you.

That’s it. Your criteria for success is that the interaction was enjoyable for her. Your goal isn’t to fuck her, or to get her number, or anything like that, it’s just to make her day better for having met you.

Operating through this goal, you’ll let go of any neediness in your interactions with women, you’ll be more lighthearted and fun. As a result, you’ll get increasingly positive reactions from the women you meet.

Once you get to a point where you expect women to enjoy talking with you, then (and only then) you can change your goal to something like setting up a date with the girls you like.



By changing your agenda, your expectations will start to change. Instead of expecting women to dismiss you or reject you, you’ll start to expect them to enjoy interacting with you and to be glad to have met you.

From this point, you’ll have developed an understanding of what it means to interact with women from the buyer mentality.

At first, it might still be rocky or uncomfortable when you “go for the close,” but this will dissipate with experience (plus the fact that you’ve learned to operate from the buyer mentality in general will make more women receptive to your advances).

Then, your expectations will shift to become even more positive, and your results with women will improve even further.

It’s an upward spiral, and it all starts by changing your agenda to simply, “Make her day better for having met me.”

Once you get comfortable with interacting with women without needing to get something from them, you’ll be able to make everything else fall into place much more easily.

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4 thoughts on “Want To Attract More Women? Be the Buyer, Not the Seller”

James · February 24, 2018 at 8:25 am

Yeah, this makes perfect sense. I relate it to when I was in my younger days, as a telephone salesman. I worked for a couple of very high end wine companies, with big member, with large buying histories and big interest in wine.
One time, I worked for a crappy raffle ticket company. The difference with the rafle ticket company, is that I already knew the customer had a pretty low chance of ever wanting the tickets. I had the same techniques and strategies as I did when selling wine, but because I knew deep down that people would want to buy, everything came across as desperate, ‘salesy’ and ultimately failed.
When selling wine, however, I already knew most of those guys would want the wine, long before I made the call. I had so much more more confidence, ease and enjoyment. I had the same techniques, the same ‘game’, if you will, but everything had so much more ease. I already knew they would want the call, I knew they would enjoy talking to me, and in fact they’d be thankful I called them.
Same thing with women. If you don’t have a genuine belief that they will be interested in you, then all the ‘game’ in the world won’t help.
It’s a big thing that many PUA’s don’t teach about. Self-confidence and self-acceptance. Many talk about building confidence, but end up teaching guys to pump themselves up in a very disingenuous way. In fact, many PUA’s unconsciously teach from a ‘you’re not good enough for these women, so here’s a lot of ‘game’ to make up for it’ perspective.
A big ‘chapter’ they miss out on, is self value, self confidence, and forming a core beliefe that women will be happy you spoke to them, for you. Then ‘game’ and technique becomes more fun, more easy.
All the game in the world, won’t make up for lack of true, genuine self-confidence. And that need to come from within, first. Don’t be reliant on the women giving you numbers or more for self confidence.

    Avery · February 24, 2018 at 11:52 pm

    Thanks for the insightful comment. That’s a really good example of this concept. Women really can sniff out an agenda, I went out with a guy last weekend who was very ‘gamey’ and negged every girl to provoke reactions. He got flipped off multiple times, into verbal altercations, and no, he didn’t end up making a connection with a girl. That’s the negative side of learning game techniques, if the underlying reason you’re using them isn’t positive, fun, and lighthearted, they’re not going to help, and they can even make you worse off!

James · February 26, 2018 at 12:45 am

No worries. I realise now I should have spell-checked it, lol.

Yes, ‘game’ needs to be a way to simply bridge the gap between them not knowing you, and allowing them to know you. Not a way to make up for something you think you lack. Also, with some self-confidence and self-acceptance, you become a whole lot less ‘outcome’ dependant. You don’t really give a shit if you close or not, because you aren’t looking for that to fill your self esteem.
If you don’t have self-confidence that there’s a big chance she’ll be glad she met you, then you’ll be looking to her response in order to get your esteem boost. So you’ll be really, really desperate to get that ‘good response’. In other words, you give her power over how you’ll feel about you.

Never look to something outside of yourself, for the feeling of self-esteem that should come from within. That includes her reaction to you.

Take your power back, believe she’ll be lucky that you even approached. ‘Game’ is a way to introduce her to this person she’ll already want in her life, not a way to make up for the fact that deep down you don’t feel ‘good enough’.
Let go of the outcome, you already know you’re legitimately the shit, and that’s all that matters. Not ‘cuz you know good game, but because you are man of control, confidence, self-respect, experience, intelligence and wit.

All about inner core beliefs, about how a sees themselves. All about having an easy, ‘I don’t give a f*ck attitude’.

On a side note, very cool to have you reply to me, lol.

    Avery · March 12, 2018 at 10:30 pm

    Your comments have been insightful, of course I’d reply.

    Unfortunately, a lot of guys have trouble seeing it this way – their mindset is so far in the other direction (that they are fundamentally not attractive) that they don’t think they have any value to offer women with who they are as a person.

    I’m working on a book about this kind of stuff because I think it’s the core of what guys need to learn more about.

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